Lack of insight from a church of Pentecost.

So, seriously, I was approached by the pastor of my church, and the member who baptised me the other night, while at my friend’s house (she herself also a past member of this church), and found they held very limited views on scientific fact.

I asked about evolution and of the age of the planet to which they were vague, and basically refused to tackle the issues head on. Not that evolution needs my help to become known, but in this situation I was confronted by James on the topic. They don’t believe that new species come about pff! I was even given false information regarding Charles Darwin’s ‘Origin of Species,’ whereby the pastor attempted to espouse that Charles’s revision/ommision of his statement regarding no hand of God’s in the processes being detected, as a sort of personal alliance with God! So my disillusionment is complete. I’m either going to find a church where God and science are separate, and whereby science is taken literally, along with those understandings which make us all socially responsible, and decent, intelligent human beings, or I’m leaving Christianity to be a personal thing for myself, maybe only in the capacity of (most) of the moralistic guides, as we find commonplace in our Judeo-Christian society.

I’ve found a liberal Christian church which seems interesting, as it’s attached to a school, so I figure ‘what the hay, maybe there’s some more importance placed on academic pursuits there, as well,’ or maybe it’s another misguided educational institution because of that association… I suppose I’ll need to ask the priest, or pastor, or whatever he would be called.

I’m basically going to refuse to listen to such nonsense in the future, so Pastor Steve, and Jason, you needn’t look at me as a potential member there any further, thankyou. I’m quite happy accepting science as a better indicator than past/outdated modes of viewing the world. I appreciate what you’re doing, and that you believe you’re doing something good, but I won’t tolerate your ignorant/rude mannerisms. Not while I’m working so hard to be polite about yours. Peace.

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Lack of insight from a church of Pentecost.

New insights into my symptoms of abuse.

I received a call today from a call back counselling service dedicated to dealing with issues of sexual abuse. The conversation was very helpful to me, as the lady was highly skilled and offered me much insight into my anger issue/s. You see, my anger is a form of anxiety which I suffer from, and my feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness, and guilt seem to impact on my ability to trust other people, it’s also a cause for me pushing people away, as whenever they show the slightest amount of untrustworthy behaviour, or simply evoke those feelings I mentioned, in any way, shape, or form. Knowing where my anger stems from is a big deal for me, as I have days where I’m boiling over the top with rage. Everything just seems to go wrong on such days and the frustration gets to be unbearable.

I also learned that I had viewed myself and my older abuser as equals, because for one, I was always in the company of adults – whenever given the option, and for another reason, because I wanted to be like him. I felt he was my peer, and although I looked to him for love, respect, honesty, kindness, and to teach me (as I looked to all my elders for their wisdom and insightfulness), I saw him as someone I could trust. A friend. I still consider him a friend, albeit a distant one, and find myself in some confusion over whether I ought to maintain contact with him. I have forgiven him, and not only that, I still remember the love and compassion he showed me, while I wasn’t interested in him (in that way) but still for some reason liked that he had feelings for me.

My issue with him liking me wasn’t always appreciated, however, as I was confronted one day while at home, and wasn’t answering the door to him (on my mother’s orders). He negotiated the fence separating the front of the house from our back yard, and commanded me to open the door. I was hiding on the floor and my heart was pounding with fear. I opened the door and let him inside. He was telling me that I belonged at school – I hadn’t been attending school – and then proceeded to tell me that I was his soul mate before confronting me as to whether that was “a problem,” in a stern voice and with stern eyes. It wasn’t much longer after this that I was drugged out to it in his home, and was taken to the bedroom.

I stopped sleeping properly after this day, as Ray had given me some weird things to think about which messed with my head, and suffered my first psychotic break. I have relapsed many times since my initial psychosis, through smoking weed, which I was abusing during the time I wasn’t sleeping enough. Since I’ve started dealing with these issues many problems have crept back in such as not sleeping, and of late, I haven’t been eating properly. I really ought to have seen a doctor about it months ago, but I’ve felt ok about it, if anything I’ve just been a little scared for my health. I’ve been considering the possibility that I might die, and in some ways this fear is abated by the suicidal ideologies which I once held.

My suicidal tendencies have been in check for several months, but following an instance where I was judged by at least one member of my church group (who is supposed to be my family), and then later finding myself the recipient of a poor counselling session with a specialist from ‘Respect,’ some of those thoughts of suicide came to the forefront of my psyche’. It was fortunate for me that I called ‘Beyond Blue’ afterward to talk about my pent up emotions, and was referred to a call back service, as the call today was very helpful.

So that’s about it for now. I suppose I should finish on a lighter note, so I’ll leave you with the story of my church change-over, and my renewed vision for myself in being a liberal Christian, and/or a progressive Christian (who embraces all views and walks of life, as well as being conscientious regarding the state of the Earth). The first liberal church to come up in search results “near me,” was a church which I have visited on a number of times, and where there are a couple of friends I can associate with. In this church, I hope to find less dogma, and more understanding. My only regret is that there isn’t a Progressive Christian church “near me.”

New insights into my symptoms of abuse.

Imbroglio revealed by our Lord, Jesus Christ.

The gift of dreams is yet another way which the Lord has chosen to reveal Himself, and not without revealing to me an underlying dilemna I have with the Lord, Himself. My interpretation was also inspired by God’s words which I read thoroughly, from Matthew, chapter 13 – the usefulness of parables, for I have recieved my dream-state message in a parable of its own.

To understand my dream interpretation, you should know a little about myself first, and how this dream is not without prophesy, for should I fall from the grace of God, this testimony will serve me by allowing me to re-read my own words, and to find, once more, the words of God which led me to this conclusion.

My state of affairs is such that my confusion with my temperament is partially based on my affiliation to others which I cannot help but sometimes feel impinged by. And my trust issues are such that I’ve felt that even God would somehow let me down, and my only friend has been consolated by the facts of the world, that the evil-doer has continued to pressure me through my inner demons. Those of a disclusive and intolerent nature both external, and internal – to such an extent that I’m openly profusive, and despoils my Spirit in the Lord, our God Almighty. In other words, I’ve been losing myself in my wickedness.

My dream gift left me feeling empty, for I saw that no amount of rebelion, friendship, or even to going into hiding, is adequate to conquor my inner demons, those of my past trangressions for which I have been forgiven, and in being able to confront my worldly persecutors, I have been given the courage to face them, and to not falter in the Lord. For I have now the furthered quandry of losing myself in the Lord’s ways. To be released from my bindings to others in such a way that I have bound myself to worldly things, those things of the flesh, and of the world, that are bound to continue acting out their own courses of action, and so setting the examples we sometimes are led to believe are proper in a dog eat dog world. Those things which we find make us adequate in one sense, but in another leave us feeling empty and void of love, because they shun our natural desires to help others, to be virtuous, to be closer to God. These are the lessons I gained from my dream, the interpretation which I experienced upon waking, and after I had come to terms with my dissolution between the Lord, and my very real worldly battles, and struggles I face through both things which have been outside my control, and those which I’m empowered enough to face. With you O’Lord, I can confront these problems in my world. My personal world, a world constructed of a life which You’ve helped me through vastly, and was there for me when I felt I had nobody. You stayed my hand, O’Lord. You have saved me more than once, in more than one way, and you O’Lord, I worship, and praise openly. For I am leaving my old ties where they belong, and carry you in my heart, always. Amen.

Imbroglio revealed by our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Much ado

My new friend, “Alice,” and I have become romantically involved. Although Alice isn’t religious, she is spiritual, and today, I’m planning to visit a church group meeting being held by my neighbour, Jason, at the library. He says I should be baptised again, as the one which happens in early life isn’t in accordance with the original meaning of being baptised, that it should be by choice, and so is obviously lacking that during a person’s infancy.

I was thinking about not going, too, feeling there’s a sort of inconguence between what I ought to think, and believe, and how I actually feel, and believe. The thinking is only partly inconguent, as I’ve mentioned previously in my old prison letters to myself: If for nothing more than want of better equiping myself in a Judeo-Christian society, becoming Christian makes some sense.

I read parts of the bible today, and found passages relating to Jesus’ death, and why His followers live for Him. It’s because He died for our sins, and in so dying, it is the same as the whole world dying, and so to live for Jesus is how we thank Him. I should like to find my love for Jesus renewed somehow through repentance and baptism, but the bible also says that he who baptises us is God. I must have this confused in some way, but does that mean I should follow Jason’s teachings of Jesus, and become a part of his church, as well?

I want God’s forgiveness, for one reason, because I can’t forgive myself. I constantly beat up on myself for things which I’ve done, and things which have happened to me. My counsellor from CASA told me that I’m way too hard on myself. It seems I don’t know any other way than through the love and merciful forgiveness of our Lord Jesus Christ, whose name I have regularly taken in vain but only a few days ago really comprehended what that means.

It’s a form of blaming God for situations, events, etc which we’re not happy about. And the mistake in doing so, is that it is like blaming your parent for your short-comings. It’s disrespectful of both you and your parent. Of you, because it’s the equivalent of negating personal responsibility and relinquishes your personal power to make those changes which are necessary.

For me, this lack of personal power is a source of anger which I struggle with almost daily. It’s an anger which festers on the inside and over-flows in embarrassing outbursts and makes me temperamental regarding everything else in my life. I don’t know how to deal with my issues but to try to respond better to my anger fueled outbursts by such means as analysing what’s making me angry, but I think I really have some larger issue and this anger is a resulting symptom.

Another friend of mine, who I met in psychs was willing to come to the church meeting at the library today, but only if I were being baptised. I said I didn’t want to make the commitment since I might not maintain it. I stopped short of saying that I could turn my back on God, afterward, but that’s my concern with being baptised. In Islam, it’s a grave offense to the Umma, and to Allah, and one which isn’t forgiven lightly, or at all.

My girlfriend is asleep. Snoring. What an annoying trait, lol. Sometimes I find the sound of snoring relaxing, and helpful to me getting to sleep. I suppose, because I’m staying up, that I won’t know for a while longer, whether her snoring is conducive, or abrasive to my sleep. Nonetheless, it isn’t an unmanageable issue. I might allow her to remain here asleep while I go to the church meeting at the library.

Much ado

My guilty conscience is finally manageable

For some reason, victims blame themselves, and today I was very fretful concerning my appointment at CASA (Center Against Sexual Assualt). But my fears were allayed, as I divulged many of my concerns. I don’t want to blog so much on this topic anymore, as my counsellor told me that in time I might not wish to have these issues so openly public, but to do what was right for myself none the less.

I am going to blog on my progress in these meetings, but will leave the more private details out, as you can probably imagine some of those events which led me to this point in my life. I have Stockholm Syndrome, and so in some ways have accepted my abusers actions as a normal part of human experience. How wrong I’ve been! I’m looking forward to further counselling, and hope to free my mind from the burdens of guilt, remorse, self-doubt, and all the other extraneous deviations, including self harm.

I just need to take a step back from posting my most intimate and private thoughts because it is due to such thinking that I’ve been close to making a successful suicide attempt(s) in the past, and have major issues relaxing, and not feeling threatened by other people. I also have some sort of power issue in relationships where I’m either subordinate, or control hungry.

These issues, along with being suicidal in the past, have led me to push others away – to my own detriment. I’ve been used and abused, and hurt so deeply, that I’ve developed trust issues with those even close people in my life and so have been working on developing my positive attitudes towards others and trying to forgive the little things which upset me.

I’ve found that many small things upset me too much. I’ve been extremely hard on myself and wish to have a better outlook on life so counselling amongst my top priorities at the moment. Turning to God is just one example of my attempts at reclaiming my life, and being in control again. I want to fashion myself into a decent gentleman without the underlying issues of remorse, and self loathing, which I’ve managed to conquer partially, through living well.

I’ve been maintaining clean living habits. I’m eating a little more than I had been, although still not enough, and I’m enrolled in English at La Trobe with a major in writing. I’ve been writing regularly, to this blog, in order to gain perspective, and improve my outlook, through writing my issues out. This could have been done privately but I choose to make these public, for anyone to read.

I don’t mind having a life which is an open-slather for anyone to pick at. I want others who are struggling to have someone to listen to, or even talk with about there own problems, or to allow others to not feel alone, at least. You aren’t alone, and I believe everyone deserves to feel loved, and should have a healthy love for themselves – as I have lacked this, and am working on personally. This is just the beginning.

The confession will happen, and I will blog about it. There are a number of reasons why listing my past criminal activities here isn’t a good idea, namely that I won’t be able to justify my actions adequately through written word. As I said, I’m very hard on myself, and being Aspie, I’m also brutally honest. This won’t adequately allow me to describe my problems on top of my transgressions, nor will it help to revisit those darker times in my life, which dredge up many negative thoughts and feelings – which I don’t need right now. I need to focus on being positive. Perhaps in time I will divulge my foibles of my youth, and my adulthood, which were based on severe depression, and suicidal motivations, but not yet. Although, I’m happy to talk with any of you on these issues, individually. Stay safe, and be well!

My guilty conscience is finally manageable

A very pleasant couple of days.

I spoke with my new penfriend, Jessie over messengers call function which allowed us to “meet” in a more present manner than our usual email messages. We spoke a little about spirituality, as Jessie is very spiritual but lacks a little knowledge on the subject. I’m the opposite, in that my spirituality knowledge is good but don’t express an interest in it so much anymore.

Then, today, after deciding to seek out a new venue in which to read (and escape my place of residence), I decided to ask a gentleman as to the whereabouts of such a venue I could walk to. He couldn’t help me with the venue, because he doesn’t drink, smoke, or gamble. He is a Christian, and we spoke at length about my issues with faith – as it’s on my mind from writing out my old issues with spirituality amongst the letters I wrote to myself while remanded. It turns out that I’m still interested in God, I just don’t know what I want out of such a faith, nor do I know which following (if any) would best suit me. At any rate, Jason is a genuinely decent man who I hope to keep in my life.

I agreed to attend a sort of seminar at the Bendigo Library this Sunday at 1:30. I might even decide to be baptised by him during the seminar. It’s a church of Pentacost, most probably not dissimilar to the faith of my father. I know he would appreciate knowing that I’ve “been saved.” I do intend on repenting, and if I do, I think I’ll blog my confession. I’m not sure, but feel that simply confessing, and then forgetting about your sins is wrong on a number of levels, so will make them openly public for anyone to read.

I have yet to finish copying out my prison diary letters to myself, and think I’d like to have them completely out of the way, before I blog a confession. Part of the reason for caring to blog this openly has to do with my blog bringing me out of my shell, to be able to live an open and honest life, something I’ve been reluctant to do, since my life has been full of so many foibles, and much folly. I gave Jason my blog address, so he might read my diary letters regarding religious and spiritual belief, albeit not accurate presently.

I walked to the nearest venue after asking twice for directions. My first lot of directions were a bit vague, so I enquired at the service station before finding my way to the nearest venue, a 45 minute walk from home. There I read to chapter 13 of ‘Little Women’ when a kind lady by the name of Siobhan who was interested in what I was reading. It turned out that ‘Little Women’ is a book she read in her youth. Siobhan, enjoys reading, and has an interest in photography, and might like to study something such as photo journalism. We had so much in common, both being baptised Roman Catholic, and our interests weren’t dissimilar either. We also exchanged numbers, as I did with Jason, and shared my blog address with her, as well.

I got my rent assistance back at Centerlink, today, and picked up the Education Suppliment forms I needed. A short visit to uni at closing time allowed me to ascertain forms I need as proof of enrollment, and was given the IT help departments phone number which I need to be able to log in to the La Trobe website (as it’s a bit dicey). I’m getting a one time payment of back dated rent assistance of $120- but I won’t see much of this, as my account is overdrawn by over $80, thanks to ANZ for allowing me to overdraft my account. I did need much of what I spent that money on, so the appreciation is sincere.

It’s been so nice meeting new people, and such nice ones at that, that I’m starting to feel right about my new life here, in Flora Hill. Before, I had been feeling out of sorts in a way, not settled in, and unable to relax – hence the long walks through the night air to and from various venues, where I read. In time, I hope I can relax in my room and read at length. Some of my anxieties surrounding being in my room are due to some restlessness I’ve been suffering since getting out of remand. I hope to become more settled before uni semester begins.

A very pleasant couple of days.

Prison Diary letter to myself, Thurs 01.12.2016.

Splendid to be writing again, if I don’t say so myself. I’m feeling better since I’m living with spirituality (something I’ve been missing for many years now), notably the greater form of Christianity. The first song which came to mind this morning: “I’ve got that joy, joy, joy, joy – down in my heart.” Not actually as such but I am feeling a little more elated than usual, and not particularly concerned of the song choice ~ as I’m almost always (at least at home/or usually) singing something outrageous first thing in the morning – or after I wake up.

It seems that I’m writing for myself for a change – which is nice practice in the way of writing beyond my stubborn writer’s block: That unsavoury length of peace which ensued uponlosing my many hours of writing efforts & my most original writings too – those things of my first real effort at being a writer taken away from me in such a dreadful manner so as to refuse me another look for my beneficial glance into my technique failures. I suppose this text will have to suffice.

Of being a sir, there is less to admit than being English. The point in passing being that I’m considered a gentleman & a squire ~ perhaps requiring more reading but also allowances for writing are in order. For example, how am I meant to disembark upon my rational regarding my previous soul searching in contemporary spirituality – for in one sense I am bastardised throughout my views while in another wish to shun those views which are misaligned to my one best choice in loving the Lord with all my heart, all my might, all my mind, and all my soul & loving my neighbour with my intention of how I wish to be loved – loving “him” as I love myself. Automatic writing as such be disgraceful & yet I don’t wish to achieve such perfect states of being as I’d stressed on in my pursuit of witchcraft.

I will consider my Reiki as the identity of a starting point for/of hands on healing. Perhaps the art being to sense first that which I am to share myself prior to giving – for a major concern of mine is that I’m guilty of trying to befriend all those who I meet & by being friends with all, I’m respectfully falling short of being loved by God.

Mhy lord, do I set others so highly without their need to prove or repectfully deserve such elated status? I need to guard against giving strangers such satisfactoin in that I do not consider a friendly persona immediately satisfactory in my desire to attain their friendship. This is my major weakness as a Christian at the moment. Who ought I not love?! My mother needs to be honoured as does my father. I feel less inclined to love either for their reluctance to be good parents. My mother for or due to her illness of pre natal depression & general uncaring nature & my father who left me as a young toddler, and later in life found much little else than criticiism and condemnation to offer me as his son. My love for them is couped up somewhere behind my solid exterior but I’m afaid of opening my softer emotions to either of them – really to anyone – for the risk involved of being hurt on my private-inner self; my world could be torn assunder.

So in choosing one religious mainstay I guess I’ve amply accepted Christ as my Lord and saviour. To be Christian is a great idea in comparison to being maniacly bent over the cinder block of all other religions. And Jesus and I have need to do some catching up.

Could still write fiction of/in horror-psychological thriller – thriller genre’s! My past experiences still being a part of my present self ~ ghost writing still an option, and love of life something I never wish to cease appreciation of. Satanism is still alive in this one & I suppose a part of a balance I wish to maintain – the eternal struggle between faith & disbelief is very real; The nonexistant vs. the real, the actual.

Satan is hiding in the unspoken rules of my spirit, ever prevalent in my worldly interactoins and yet a simple spark in my desires of individuality and freedom. Were it not for my strong will & stubborness of spirit, I wouldn’t be as keen in my intellect my personality, my character, my sould. I love life and all that it offers, including Jesus & what many enlightened view as hheld in principle behind the image which is Satanism. I hold all life in a sacred manner but in so doing fall out of favour with God. This is my lesson.

How to share the gospel while accommodation objectively satanic belief or idealism ~ perhaps I’m merely stressing the loving power of Christ and showing some adoration to the present day liberal Christian. There isn’t really love in satanism mostly intelligence based/basal knowledge while it’s said God is love. So is it to worship love ~ the greatest force on Earth & to revere the intellect, the fruit of knowledge – a greater than one’s self in sort of an aspiring or inspired approach to bettering one’s self in this age of enlightenment we have in our social-political-or sociological geographic land mark or mile-stone we’ve baseing our current tenacities to rest!?

Philosophy falls shorter in modernity than where she were say 100 years ago. I suppose this happened as psychology and science gegan to merge and a subtle (and eventually dramatic) separation of reigiosity from brain/mind function & character of morality in and yet separately of religious belief no longer fervent in respect or relation to one another. Aye, this is the truth.

And so I’m decidedly ascribing to Judeo-Christian philosophy or principle on the basis of socioeconomic strucuralism. Then it’s my understanding that Jesus is an acceptable model of modern principled derision for conducting moral standard(s). Henceforth, I’m also able to respect other belief systems due to my liberal views & all teh while am still repectfully owning my past jucture with the many varied views from around the world ~ it will be on such a basis that I found my next sstory. Perhaps sooner rather than later.

I suppose this entire “writings” I’ve been working at constitute the very works I’m thinking of writing on ~ An exploration of my spirituality & with a view toward an overall acceptance of Jesus & His Love in My Life & my Soul. Counter intuitive title I’ve decided upon but none the less a good one, I believe. For all other faiths be their a force with consciousness or beings resembling a state of ideal or blessed structure not all (and I’m understating greatly) should be viewed as disproportionate to morally correct in teh multi-culture which is Australian life these days. My first object of reconciliation is between Jesus and the Jedi religion I’m adapted to ascribe myself unto.

Allow me to take an esoteric venture away from the Christian and atheistic conceptualisations of Satanism for a discention on or embarkation for or of new age spirituality & reflective beliefs of religious bereft on times and places afar. Two names I have adopted myself ~ the god of thunder, Thor of the Norse gods & upon decsendancy of Odin and Viking Runes & the name of Shax, a Satanic demon who sides with the friends by a way of attacking the enemies of this friends in the way of vision. Both are/have nobility in my view & neither are exclusive. My view of many old Gods assumed demonic traits through the eyes of Christians by the lack of Christian morality in and of the Western idealism that has evolved the ellaborate cultre of sondideratoin & intrinsic wealth of charity and good-will. Wherefore are the soldiers who are not suicidal and yet hold dear the virtues of Jesus & His name upon teh political balance between liberalism and conservatism? And without all others being equal while maintaining God’s love for all while not forbidding others their love where God would refuse to love them who do? It is a rich tapestry indeed, to adhere and more than (perhaps) is possible to outline logically alone.

Wicca is an eventualtion predating Christianity & why ought I be one to deny the forebaring fruits of reigiosity when there are apparently more feelings for myself in those than within modern Christan views? My love tempted by both abstractions & yet the broader conceptualisations of Wicca (or more commonly associated ‘Witchcraft’), and the amalgamation of my assimilating to/with the many and varied beliefs of all peoples across all time?! ought I not love them all?

The logical dichotomy of sexuality is somewhat comparable to a dichotomy of religious belief — at least from a Christian perspective. But all the same I think a free mind is the willing participants’ guide on the matter of accepting or rejecting ideals preseted them on or within any such view, belief or ideology.

My concept as shared by many others is of a God who is willing to find an honestly moral man/person satisfactory in all ways who behaves in accordance with said morality & still believes a God & he could be bonded regardless of whether that man holds God’s existence as an unknown or even possibly held notions of unlikelihood through outrageously unlikely. Couldn’t that bond unite them after death!? The force is intelligent.

For how else can the balances of good and evil work thier balancing acts without the notion of standard deviation? Is that in itself how mathematics courrespons to life’s marvellous workings its own act of tieing up loose ends . . . Are evil & good even balancing forces. I mean afterall good & evil are experienced subjectively & are therefore based on subjective opinion, are they not!? Life and its marvels.

“May the force be with you.” Now, eat, drink and enjoy yourself; You are what you wish to become, as “do or do not – there is no try.” I am the Earth. I am the Sun. “I drink of my sisters and I take into my self – all the power of Manoh.” And here I draw the line at: As above, so below. So let it be.

Now I’m leaning towards my lack of comprehension that of being a Christian who may be able to practice the rituals or art & actions based on other religions or whether I’m trully a Satanist. Could I become a Le Yeyan Satanist or do I prefer traditional values of Satan as an entity, a being simply as the symbolic non-entity/being of general disbelief. I think disbelief is my greater knowledges’ insight more keenly/readily accepts.

To accept atheism as my mainstay, I therefore must relinquish my beliefs in teh religions of olde’, ought I not? Buddhism isn’t generally regarded as a religion although I can’t accept reincarnation of the self as factually plausible, so therefore can’t hold it as a truth-based religion (as such). Satanism is something of a deep – seated, multipurposed type of belief base in which the practitioner is encouraged to learn and grow from. There are values/merits to such a system and plyable to hold on to as either sex. Satan seen as many to be female in many cases & otherwise acceptable view considering the more widespread view that Satan is a deciever. I’m feeling erotic about a deceptive woan who has such a powerful position in modern day religion. But what about a Satanism which isn’t religious & has only an which adherents attempt to nullify or negate through their works or accomplishments in the world?

I could view myself as jedi, satanist, and catholic. I could be very wrong about the belief that I could adhere to all three of these religions simultaneously. Therefor, the question remains as to which faith I can claim to be my own, or whether I even need a religion to ascribe myself to. I think not. I believe I can get through life as an atheist. While reserving my doubts for a male, female or positive and negative force or forces governing all of existance or otherwis existing alongside it.

I think I find Christianity restrictive in that ill-will or hatred isn’t condoned nor is it acceptable to want that which another has. Maybe there is a void of in-between-the-lines which I’m missing but otherwise aren’t comprehending. In terms of magick – there are opposing forces (in kind regard of a Christian outlook/perspective) which can be drawn upon at the practisions [sic] discretion all while still subject to karmic forces so the governing power still hold true to otherwise reigns supreme in either instance. Ought I feel compelled to take up practicing witchcraft again or not?! Ought I consider myself assended to the status of a warlock even? Where does a mage belong in Satanity? Is such a remark an example of my ignorance of/in that practicioners or adherents are mainly referred to warlocks, witches, priests or priestesses, even. Therefore am I merely possessed by the demon Shax and seeking the ear or the word by seeking Thor or his guidance. I can only imagine. Perhaps that is my true basis.

Jesus was a moran man, and therefore I ought to respect him. I guess I should like to consider the adage of “beware of the man of one book” in appreciation henceforth: “beware of the person of man.”

Prison Diary letter to myself, Thurs 01.12.2016.