Going without a choice

This is my last bit of weed I’m going to have for some time. I’m going without this fortnight and will need to do something hefty to stay off the ciggies in the mean time.

I did quite a bit of writing today which I’m happy with as well. I wrote a short piece of romance fiction which I emailed to my interested friend in Kansas. I worked on my self help novel, I wrote a longish email to April from Kansas, and I attempted another piece of romance writing in which I wrote myself inside a wall I couldn’t escape from and so decided to rewrite it entirely. It still needs work however, I’m not one who can write something perfectly the first time around and not need to go back through it and edit the hell out of it.

Things I want to buy include some pairs of socks (the pair I like are around $15 per pair), some clothes, and a psvita including a cover for it, as I’ve been buying games for the psvita for some time since I thought I bought one on ebay for $20 with two games and two memory cards. It’s just taking so long that I’m not sure whether it really could be the psvita. I think I’ll layby one anyways, and some clothes too. I also want to buy the remaining Walking Dead series for Jasmine and Toby’s engagement party. I also want two psvita games. One of them is Oddworld: New and Tasty, the other I can’t remember the name of but involves being in stealth throughout the game and looks pretty fun. I think early next week (after I get paid) I’ll layby a bundle, including either or both of those games and pay it off as efficiently as possible, not missing out on paying off my credit card again, or my other credit card bill, or my fines, or my ministry of housing bond loan. That was stupid, as I was stuck without nearly $350- from last fortnight’s pay from over-drafting my account prior to being paid. This fortnight it’s only over-drawn by a little under $100- which is a much better cut off point for me, a big spender. I don’t know why I spend so much. I suppose that had better be saved for another blog; perhaps the next one, as I’m finishing this one up. Good night (or good day) and I’ll talk to you later.

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Going without a choice

Romance fiction

I’m thinking about writing a short story about me and April meeting up and having a relationship, here in Australia. I don’t know whether it’s something which is on the cards for the future or not but it’s something we’ve both talked about. I’m trying to write some short fiction for publication, and I feel this story is something I could work on to its final stages.

As for April, I have her permission to write about her. I suppose I didn’t really need it, but her approval does help with sharing my writing with her. I wrote her a poem in an email I sent her recently. April said she was moved by it in a response/friend accept she left me on an app called Paltalk. I haven’t heard from her since. I should check my emails.

Romance fiction

Back to fighting off the cravings

I had another morning smoke today before I went out. I have to make a point of leaving the house before I light up. I got my friend, April on paltalk today which was a pleasant surprise and I’ve also got some activities for the day, such as writing, and reading, and I have video games if I get bored of that. I’m about to go home and smoke some billies but I know I’m trying to quit. It’s hard! So I’m going to refrain from smoking as much and see how I go with that.

Back to fighting off the cravings

Not doing too bad with quitting

I had 3 or 4 cigarettes today and smoked several billies. Not too bad for cutting down overnight! I bet I can do even better tomorrow. Also, I found a place along the way to the highest point in town which has bench seats and figure I could write there on days I don’t feel up to walking to the top.

I have the place to myself for the night so I might sit up late writing. I have some work to catch up on there, and I have ideas for another story which I’d like to work on. I might post some of my drafts here. For now, as far as I know, I can’t publish anything here which is on kindle as part of the contract/agreement. It has to do with sharing/promotion of goods they have a vested interest in.

I might begin by writing my good friend, April an email. It’s her turn to write back but I’m feeling like talking to a friend will give me some company – as I said, I’m home alone tonight which is unusual for me, but it does offer me some free time to write; and afterall, I slept most of today so I have a bit of energy to spare.

I suppose that’s it for now, good folks! I’ll catch you all later on tonight, or tomorrow. I’m not sure where I’ll be posting from as the hill climb has worn me out a bit so I might walk into town and try again for avoiding my first smoke of the day. I think if I can make it to midday I’ll be able to continue throughout the day. I just don’t know how I’m going to go when it’s time for my coffee. I’ll have to tough it out, then, I suppose.

Not doing too bad with quitting

I made it…

So I’ve walked up the mountain and found the bench seat up here. Although I had a cigarette before I left home, I intend on doing most of the day without smoking – except maybe a little weed – to help stave off the nicotine cravings. I’m going to head home now as it’s too bright out and I didn’t bring my sunnies.

I made it…

Starting tomorrow no more weed or cigarettes.

The title says it all, basically I’m fed up with all the coughing fits I’m having, and I’m convinced that quitting will see them gone for good. I have a plan for getting through tomorrow morning. I’m going to walk to the highest point in town and back home again. While I’m up there, I might do some writing. In fact, I ought to write a blog here.

Tonight, I’m smoking it up but tomorrow I’m going smoke free. I can’t afford to smoke, I don’t like doing it, and my coughing has become prolific. Also, I dislike the constant distractions to feel the need to go and smoke a cigarette. It’s very disruptive.

I’m also going to make the journey to the look out tower each day (if the walk doesn’t prove to take too long). And that will count as my excercise, and my writing in one outing. The views are great, and I believe there’s a bench seat and table there too. There had better be or I won’t be able to write comfortably.

Apparently, it’s going to be pouring rain tomorrow morning and all day. I’m going to get wet, apparently. I’m not sure whether this keyboard will hold up under wet weather conditions but I have full intentions of writing in the rain regardless (and to find out).

I’m hopeful of being able to quit, because it would mean the end of all my dependencies. I would be free, have more money, and my health would improve (and not limited to getting rid of a very nasty cough)! So wish me luck in getting motivated to leave early, and leaving the ciggies behind first thing; it will be a step in the right direction for quitting.

I need further plans of what I’m going to do throughout the day to avoid smoking. I could write, play video games, read – I have a bunch of interesting stuff at the moment, go for another walk, do housework, pushups, situps, squats and lunges, and lateral lifts, or I could write.

I can see myself doing a lot of walking, and maybe going into town to avoid any smoking situations. Probably carting my keyboard around with me to write. I need a new keyboard. This one isn’t a nice feel for touch typing as the keys really need pressing. It will suffice for now though, as I’m getting back into writing, and settling on this keyboard because it’s cordless. The other one is by far superior.

Starting tomorrow no more weed or cigarettes.

My lungs are rekt

I used to smoke synthetic weed . . . through a pipe, without a filter. Mahann did I ruin my lungs doing that shit. I’ve been having coughing fits, everyday, ever since – which was almost 6 months ago now.

I quit smoking about 5 weeks ago and have been smoking for the past two. Today was the worst day of smoking I have “enjoyed” since I stopped entirely over a month ago… Well, not entirely – I was still smoking weed.

During that time I didn’t really go without weed. There were days when I didn’t have any, and wasn’t smoking at all, which I found really helped my lungs. I went most of the next day without smoking and without having a coughing fit.

So what I really need to do is quit smoking entirely. That means quitting drugs entirely too. That’s a challenge for me but one I think I can take on. I just need to find some relief from my dependency on drugs.

This begs the difficult questions like why am I dependent on drugs. And What do I get from them which I can’t go without. Like why am I struggling to cope without drugs. I used to think it was escapism, but if that were true – wouldn’t I be able to arrive at some sort of solution to my weakness(es)!?

Some part of me realises that I do drugs to fit in, and this is a real weakness which needs addressing. I can remember all the years of refusing weed at parties, and that isn’t an issue but the issue is that at the parties I would always be drinking; funny that – it was a party.

So, I know I have the strength to refuse it again but knowing that I’m able to continue smoking it with impunity (alongside anti-psychotic medication), I’m not sure whether I really want to quit… Even though I know this contradicts my previous statement of the necessity of quitting all smoking.

I have uncovered a dillemna of mine. I want to be healthy – both physically, and mentally. I also want to enjoy the company of my friends. I thought I needed drugs to do that, but I suppose they’re inconsequential to genuine friendship.

My social skills are in short supply (due to having autism), so I feel inadequate in easy-going situations where there are many people engaged in conversation. I don’t feel over-whelmed by them speaking as much as I do from my internal pressures to find something interesting to talk about.

It’s like grabbing at random topics, and none of which are significant, or would offer me anything to say; or, it’s like grabbing at thin air – nothing seems to come to mind. I think I’m okay interpersonally so long as there is a purpose for being together.

This raises a question in itself: Is my purpose of being with others to do drugs, or is it to enjoy being with them? In some cases, I’ve hung around people solely to do drugs and couldn’t class them amongst my friends. Such people won’t be a problem again after I quit smoking everything.

My lungs are rekt