Burning an incense stick in the fridge

Since I don’t have any vanilla essence, I’m burning an incense stick inside the fridge. It stinks in there. The kitchen had a foul odor for which the incense stick was in the kitchen to begin with. The second stick saw the fridge, as I had the idea after it had been burning for some time. I hope it works.

The new bluetooth speaker broke my old one, after I attempted to connect them both via a built in option on my phone, dual audio (connecting two bluetooth speakers at once). The bluetooth speaker is louder, as it has two speakers instead of one from the now broken speaker. This speaker produces a fuller sound, as you might expect.

My desk is too narrow to work at comfortably. It’s wide enough but from the front to the back, there’s no room to shift anything forward. I looked at my old desk, at mum’s, and found that I could dismantle it, and bring it here. The only issue I have is that my desk doesn’t have any drawers, while this one does. I’m not sure where I’d put everything from the drawers in the desk.

I’m still reading ‘Telling True Stories’, by Matthew Ricketson. I’m looking forward to finishing it, as I have a pile of books to get through, it, and another one, are both library books so I’m attempting to finish reading them before they’re due back. I have ‘Painted Words 2017’ which is a compilation of TAFE’s Writing and Editing course students work. I need to read that one, too. I’ve put learning Arabic on hold while I have so much reading material. I think I should set aside a little time each week toward learning Arabic.

I had a pretty good Christmas with my immediate family. It was a nice occasion although fraught with the challenges of moving house. Mum was working today so I left her house last night to come home. I was tired and almost immediately went to bed once I got home. I had some difficulty getting to sleep; however, once I was asleep I slept through till about 9 this morning, or at least I was up by 9:30. I suppose I wasted about 15 minutes trying to get back to sleep but the room is too lit by that hour, although I could have used a bit more sleep.

I’m refraining from smoking (smoking as little as possible), in light of the new year approaching, I’d like to be off the ciggies by Jan, 1st. I’m almost there, wish me luck. I have avoided alcohol during this year’s festive season – only drinking about half a glass of wine at mum’s last night. I’m glad to be off the piss. Charles drinks as often as he can and although I’ve drank with him on a couple of occasions, I didn’t get drunk. I started to get a little tipsy, at one point throwing up from feeling queasy.

I’ve been struggling with my diet, as well, eating far too little for a longer time than I care to remember right now. I’m not sure whether I’ve developed an eating disorder but I’m finding that I’ve removed myself from eating anything substantial in one sitting. This is leading me to have issues in the toilet, such as feeling like I need to poo often but there being little to nothing there. I wonder how this will catch up with me, and so I’d better see a doctor. I’m afraid I may have thrown up my stomach acid some time ago. My appetite is non-existent. I’m happy that I’m losing weight, though.

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Burning an incense stick in the fridge

A little to the left (again)

Becoming successful is dependant on so many factors that I feel overwhelmed by them and fear I may never become the person I was destined to become. Firstly, my confidence is shot through certain experiences in which I’ve been rendered completely powerless. Secondly, I was suicidal over circumstances which can’t be changed, and through the new found ability to improving my life as it unfolds, is ever welcome, I’m afraid that my lack of a label for such self realisation or improvement will lose its lacklustre appeal and fall by the way side, as I allowed the ever necessary notepad to vanish from my daily arsenal of survival equipment which I once maintained well.

I was well organised and had a strong work ethic, before I became bankrupt. I mean I could work hard, and that I was always punctual. Had I been successful, I would have saved some money from the work I did while I was living in Melbourne for the year I was staying there for work. My value of money has never been much better than bleak, as I’ve always seen it as a source of my problems. As a young child I learned that we were poor. This upset me a lot because I knew that none of my friends were poor and that I wouldn’t fit in with them anymore. Maybe this was the turning point for me, as I would sit with the grown ups while their respective children would interact among theirselves. I would sometimes be coaxed to join them but I would be pretty stubborn on the point of being with the grown ups. My being a stubborn person and who is willing to make drastik life changes to avoid something’s entirely; I did more than give up, I shunned the monetary system. I had experienced my own form of slavery by first the hands of others and then evidently at my own hand as I refused to work for a long time, and my life went downhill.

My recovery began when I decided I would set small goals of personal hygene and clenliness which I would achieve each day. I got the idea from Brendan Burchard, who wrote the Motivation Manifesto. I’ve obtained a copy and lent it out, and since got it back (unfortunately without a review), and now intend on reading it, once I get through the ordeal which has become my book supply – that which I intend on having read through entirely before the end of January, or at the lastest mid February. Then there are my interests in learning Arabic. I don’t know whether I’m going to have the time to dedicate to that this year but I’m firmly set on writing an honest narrative non-fiction on Middle Eastern life. I suppose any special interest of mine can be made a subject I can learn about and therefore have something to say about. What’s interesting about this notion is that I’ve never considered myself proficient enough in the subleties of chess to write about them, but that is untrue. I just couldn’t write a book which would directly improve my knowledge. The act of writing that which I know and feel to be true in itself can still help you improve your understanding as the act of expression forces us to reveal things which we may never have verbalised before. This can make us sort out thoughts into more digestable forms of information. I think having no way of expressing oneself can be a great source of depression and suicide. I managed through the advice of loved ones and through my own intraspective dialogue. I don’t feel mum is a good support for me in every facet of my life.

A little to the left (again)

Most thoughtful Christmas :)

I got a notepad with dividers from mum this Christmas. There have been many Christmas’s spent together, but not every year did mum get me something both practical and fun at the same time. I think because she didn’t appreciate my interests all the time, or because she maybe couldn’t be as enthusiastic for me than I could be for myself. She would often pressure me to grow up and stop putting my efforts into things which I found interesting or appealing. And then there were the Roast Dinners we had together. We ate in silence mostly but the small conversations which passed between us were friendly. I suppose a most joyous occasion for a broken family.

Mum and I weren’t always alright, and although we argue a lot whenever I express my disliking for things, we still get along throughout the time which follows. Sometimes I want to continue the argument but mum is never interested. Sometimes I don’t like the way she wants to forget everything all together. It frustrates me to the ends of dealing with problems that recur. Like her talking over the top of me, despite a thing I’m saying. But she’s all I have in this world in the way of people who understand me, and know me, and especially of people who I trust.

There was a time I didn’t trust anybody. This changed when I lost the trust of a friend when I recalled something she didn’t want repeated. I don’t want to do that again. I’m not sure why it happened in the first place but at least I didn’t do any real harm by it. Today that other person is still my friend, and I still have the friend I upset in my life to some extent, although she seems willing to give me a chance to redeem myself, I’m not sure whether I really want to – seeing how she’s on a path that I’ve been working to be free of.

I’m staying up late with mum tonight to prepare the house for my sister and her fiance’s arrival tomorrow. They’ll be staying for several days so it’s pretty important to get some of the packed belongings into sorted home places ready for the move. I have the box set of The Walking Dead sitting here waiting for the surprise gifting to my sister and her fiance’. It’s their engagement present. It sounds a bit grotesque for such an occasion but we’re all agreed (as fans) that the show is more of a drama, in the sense of the overall dialogues. And since I sent her my copy of season 7 a while ago, which she was delighted with, I thought I’d purchase the first 6 season box set which was reduced due to it no longer covering all the seasons TWD.

Did you get anything unexpected this Christmas?

Most thoughtful Christmas :)

The new Writer’s Digest is out, hmm . . .

I want the latest edition of the writer’s magazine which has become available since my last attempt to find it on the shelves of the newsagencies I frequent. This led me to thinking about asking mum whether she would buy me a copy after the sale of her Kombi Van which she’s said she was going to go through with. It was an offer below her expectations and since she isn’t doing well financially at the moment, I decided not to breach the topic with her. I suppose I’ll just need to wait until I can afford to buy myself a copy; and that mightn’t be too far away, as mum told me she was going to give me some of the money from the sale to help me out with bills and stuff. With Telstra out of the way, and my impending success in quitting smoking this fortnight, I’ll have enough money to afford myself that luxury, and also seeing how I had put in an effort to get of the ciggies.

The reason I’m writing this entry is to justify myself in relinquishing control over whether mum purchased me the magazine I wanted. The magazine I still want, and am concerned will not be on the shelves by the time I can afford to buy a copy; however, I’m able to wait, since I’m still reading a copy of it from last month’s edition/release. Another reason was to explore my thoughts of approaching mum on the topic (as I didn’t immediately come to the conclusion that the subject wasn’t appropriate, without first thinking of other possible things to say), and those things led me to realize how adamantly I sought to request the purchase of said magazine.

As I’ve told you, my first thoughts for asking was just to ask for the magazine nicely, once the Kombi is sold (in the future tense). Then thinking this an assumption that the Kombi going to sell at the lower than anticipated price, it might be considered rude to put my hand out for money. I thought then to ask her: If you sell the Kombi would you buy me a magazine? I think upon this now and don’t see a problem with it. Her responses can be unpredicable, though, as she could be moody about needing to move all this household “stuff” into an already jam-packed house of even more “stuff.” On top of this problem there are other expenses which I’ve left to her, and so I don’t feel worthy of asking for such a favor. I feel guilty that my solutions weren’t acceptable and so I’ve left them unresolved altogether.

The new Writer’s Digest is out, hmm . . .

Share housing

Besides being short a clothes dryer, I think I’m a little better off in my living circumstances. I obviously won’t have as much support because I’m not living with my mother anymore. This is something of a relief and a sad occasion, for us both. There are nice housemates who seem pretty down to earth, and cool, fun sorts. Unfortunately, the two I’m getting along with are moving out soon. One is from another state and is only here on placement or the like, and the other is a gamer who owns a pet dwarf rabbit named Ghost. He’s a friendly and affectionate animal. Best of all, the house is quiet.

I’m trying something new, as well. I’m working with music constantly playing through a bluetooth speaker. I was exposed to constant music while I was inside. I would read throughout the day while music played in the background – not something I was accustomed to, as I always opted for silence over music while studying or doing activity which required me to think. And since there was (at long last) a phone plan which has a lot more data for web users to make the most of. I ditched my internet no-contract connection and got an S8+ which actually turns out to have more faults than I ever imagined the S series to have, but they’re present; Anyways, a Bixby personal assistant page on the phone advertised Google Music for free trial for 3 months. I’d been using and considering Spotify, but since I signed up to Google Music, I’ve had no need to consider it further. So I’ve been streaming various “radio stations” of artists, and been able to listen to entire albums – most likely a lot like Spotify, but without (and get this) free additional YouTube Red, wth. I suppose it’s to accommodate the youtube etc links in the Google Music app’s search results. I just hope that my music doesn’t prompt any of the housemates to ask me to turn it down, or off, because I have hearing damage and my ability to comprehend the lyrics in music is worsened when the vocals are softer than my hearing can accommodate. The walls seem to suffocate the sound well enough – at least according my hearing.

I walked to Strath-Village from home to buy a pen. I was shocked that I’d somehow ended up without one. The amusement of going out specifically for a pen prompted me to walk the 15 minute route, and I was interested to see how long it took. It’s actually a shorter walk than the one to town from my Mother’s in Maldon. Pens are expensive, and so the best one I could afford was a fine liner. I needed it to take notes as I read, and other notes are important for reminders to an Aspie; I should carry a small notepad with me all the time, and consider that I’ll be able to once my right pocket isn’t so frequently occupied by my cigarettes – I’ve almost quit, once again, I’m skipping my morning smoke (while promising myself one after I’ve showered and shaved, etc). My plan is to be off them completely within a few weeks, give or take. I almost made the leap today to try going without them completely. I need to find a good middle ground between restraint and passivity.

Share housing

New writing projects to replace the old which were “lost”

I was writing a novel and was into a second draft but I had it on hold as I wasn’t writing much due to depression. Since I joined a forum for writer’s, I’ve received a good deal of support relating to the issue of lost work, and some members made suggestions to me which I feel I should rewrite here to make sure I don’t forget them, as they will become important as I write new work while using elements from the old.

I figure I can use the main character from my story which I won’t name here, as the idea is mine 😛 No, I’m not sure of the title yet so I’d prefer not to play with a title idea just yet, due to my new writing being open to innovation, and complete overhaul. I’m not even sure what I’ll keep as part of the main character I want to write about, if anything. I do know that I’ll be getting the resulting story published by the end of the year. I already have an editor organised, and the publisher has been organised.

I’m also need to have a complete working draft (ready for beta reading) by the beginning of 2019. The length has yet to be established, but there is plenty of scope in the material for something longer. It’s a self help type of non-fiction I’m working on. My target audience is people affected by an autism spectrum disorder. It’s just a personal goal of mine, but I really need that working draft by then, and I’m still at the research stage! I feel this work will involve a great deal of research, and cross referencing. My note taking has only just begun but the outline is coming along nicely, and I’ve decided to leave the autobiography for now, maybe I’ll work on it in snippets between study and my other writing but I think coupling it into the self help book is going to be easier and more palitable to the reader, if I only include personal experiences directly related to suffering from an ASD, and how improvements were made, and so forth. Relevance 😉

New writing projects to replace the old which were “lost”

I’ve officially moved house.

While I’m enjoying some nice stormy weather – which seems to have passed quite quickly, I’d like to mention a few first thoughts about my new place of residence. The other tenants of the share/accommodation house, and flat combination seem ok, and I like my new landlady, and her husband is ok, too.

The fridge has something off in it but which I figured I should leave until I’m able to have that confirmed by another housemate, then throw it in the bloody bin. I can’t believe that crap is sitting in there! The toilet was a little dirty, and washing had been left in the machine. Seems like a ripe place to have an argument over such things as “who threw away my food,” and “who put my clean washing in the trough?” My main concern is that of my food in the communal fridge, and freezer, and cupboards. I’ve left some nibblies in my room where I have my most comfortable desk chair which I took along with me to the most inconvenient appointment on the day before moving into my new place. Fortunately, I was able to get everything on the following day, and I probably wouldn’t have been able to take the chair while taking everything else I took with me, either.

I’m a bit annoyed that I couldn’t stay here longer, as I would have found alternative means to study, and enjoy being near mum and in Maldon itself, as I have spent a considerable part of my life in a town only 12km away but without access to public transport (what transport there is is a joke), whereas Maldon is adequately developed, and the public transport is suitably practical, in comparison. I haven’t found the same level of quite living since I lived in Baringhup, however, as my neighbours are now numerous, and the appreciation for quite less instilled… or appreciated less widely? I don’t know.

I haven’t been able to quit smoking ciggies as I’d hoped. My thoughts were that if I could quit before the move I would be better off financially, and able to study more efficiently, without it detracting my time and money. There’s an IRC server which has very liberal policies on freedom of speech which I’ve been trying to connect to with my phone. I’ve found boards directly related to the server but unable to connect to the irc client for some reason. It could be related to security issues with the app I’m using, as the server requires a certain level of security amongst its participants. I need access to that room because it allows me to speak freely without causing offense amonst the other participants. So many people are easily offended by the trivial while there are abhorent attrocities going on which they happily ignore. I think, too that I have thicker skin than most, I just don’t tolerate being stuffed around as much as I should though. I’m an impatient individual, which is an ugly trait to carry, and a burden which needs to be beared whenever I’m withing something to fill in the time. I’m impossible in the sceme of the modern world. I need to be reanimated in the future, because the world is full of stupid idiots, and my tolerance is thin.

I’ve officially moved house.