The source of my writer’s block.

I think I’ve discovered the main source for my writer’s block and it happens to be related to my procrastination points. It’s exposure. I almost don’t want my writing to be read by others. At least my raw material, such as the kind in blogs. It’s me all over and I don’t have a response from my audience, you. I like that talking to you is like having an eternal ear but I need some of the sort of feedback you get from a proper dialogue. Having my thoughts and opinions in the open from the get-go seems like I’m doing myself an injustice.

On the other hand, the freedom to express myself over rides the need for privacy and so I submit to posting this blog here today. My reluctance to blog stems from my new acquaintance taking an interest in my writing which led me to sharing my blog’s location. I do need an audience. I suppose I wasn’t expecting it to be so daunting. I just want my writing to be its best. And I’m a perfectionist.

I’m on the verge of quitting weed which is awesome. I just have the ciggies to contend with because I’ve been slipping up with smoking them more than with weed lately and I’m starting to smoke more than I had been while cutting back. This is because I struggle with mornings. Typically, I don’t know what to do with myself while mum is still asleep from working night shifts, and I become restless until I’m doing something like enjoying a cuppa with a cigarette. It’s difficult to give that up without something to replace it.

I’ve also identified with other writer’s who claim their fear of performance stems from some attempt to produce work of comparible quality to previous work. I’ve found that I harbour some unrealistic associations in comparing previous work to my work in progress. Most of the time they need to be looked at as separate pieces of work. Sometimes in making progress within my work in progress, I wonder whether my next step in writing material is going to ruin my work by disrupting flow, voice, setting, etc and then either contribute very little or nothing at all – until I feel the content is “right” to continue my book. Sometimes I just feel lazy and don’t want to work on it. I feel that way toward reading sometimes too. The effort can seem wasted on writing, and I feel impacted in this way to a greater extent, having lost all my previous work bar one short story which was recently published. I’m given hope by having my work out there on the market but I’m also a little hindered by fear. I’m rusty as a writer and need to get back into that mood I was in when I got so much enjoyment out of writing that I would find my thoughts leaning towards it throughout my days.

Take care.

Advertisements
The source of my writer’s block.

Outlook let me down once again

Fuck Outlook! I’m sick of writing emails more than once! It’s like the app needs updating but I’m too used to using the convenient icon to open it but because outlook is lacking its update the email I’ve written not only fails to send but fails to store the message in drafts. This isn’t the first time this has happened and I’m sick of it. I might get my gmail account unlocked and use that instead because this is ridiculous!!

Outlook let me down once again

I’ve been a cheeky bloggist!

I’ve talked about my habits, here. I’ve also talked about Charles. I think I’m just concerned and jovial regarding his paranoia. I find it funny because I’ve been through it myself, and so have many other smokers. I think he’s avoided reading my blog because it causes him some discomfort. I think it’s a means of desensitising him by exposing him to natural levels of exposure which he doesn’t normally permit. In this case the worst case scenario is that he stops associating with me which would be a shame so I’ve decided to desist with my blogs regarding him.

There’s plenty I’ve yet to blog about, and I feel like today is a good time to blog a little about my eccentric teenage years. I was in early high school and happened to meet some witches. I picked up some of the ideology over the years of knowing them. I believed in all sorts of esoterica and practiced Wicca with my new found friends, and others who I’d met through them. All was well and I was on my way to becoming an adapt, as they say.

It was in my later teens, this assoication became toxic for me. One of the two friends I’d made in these witches was infatuated with me and more than once it proved to get out of control of the person. One day I was drugged and they had their way with me but I couldn’t remember enough details for many years after that to know what had happened. I suffered a psychosis a few days later and moved to a completely different area. It was a place I couldn’t skate, didn’t have my associations with drugs anymore…. it was a hard hitting change for me, as skating was my passion. I even had a small time sponsorship by Surf Shack.

I miss skating a great deal. And I can’t return to it because I’ve acquired injuries which prevent me from doing much of anything strenuous or demanding. I hate this about my condition right now. I want to do things as I feel like doing them and not need to concern myself over my shoulder or hip. The former dislocates frequently, while the latter has a constantly depleting supply of ligaments, as they tear when I do the simplest things – such as when I sneeze. One day I won’t be able to walk using that leg, at least if I don’t manage to avoid tearing ligaments which I can’t seem to stop happening completely.

I’m fortunate to have had a previously existing interest in English and writing. I remember teaching myself to type out of a typing manual my mother owned. I used an old 486 pentium without internet connection. I would play mine sweeper for the best times, and write out lines from the text book. By the end I could type. It was a mechanical movement but I could do without any errors. I loved it. It’s just really unfortunate that I lost my writing to theives.

I’ve been a cheeky bloggist!

Day 4 without making progress in my novel.

I’ve been making some major decisions about the storyline and it’s subplots so the last four days haven’t been unproductive entirely. It’s just frustrating the writing process and I’m worse for wear because I’m a procrastinator. I’ve also procrastinated about procrastinating in that I was worried that my procrastinating was the sole reason for the delay in writing my book and questioning whether or not my working out serious factors such as time frame, and pace and setting conflicts was necessary.

I’ve found the PS Vita a nice past time experience. I’ve been playing it every day and probably for longer than I tended to play on the pc. I think pc gaming was daunting because of the lack of controller or the disadvantage to using one in most competitive pc games. I bought several more games for it today – I know I shouldn’t have but they were tempting Japanese games with near naken girls. One is called Criminal Girls 2 in which the main characters are scantily dressed girls on a mission of some sort. I’m hoping it’s a good game. Although Playstation has announced there will be no more premium releases on the Vita as they’re phasing out support for the Vita console. I think there are still Premium Japanese games being released so maybe I’ll pick something nice up along the way. Either way, I’m happy with my purchase of the PS Vita.

I’ve done a little reading over the last four days. In between mum being home and Charles being here and house inspections it seems I can never find the right time to sit down without distractions. This week it has been excavation equipment laying gas pipes across the street from where I live. Next week I think I’m going to be quite free to write comfortably without distractions. So, I hope I can get some work done then.

I had another story idea which combines romance and horror and have been thinking about putting into short story form. It’s going to be intense because I like to bend and break the rules of story telling. I’m rebellious like that. The first beta testers I have in mind for this story are my two favorite email penpals. April and Jessie. April from Kansas, Washington; Jessie, from someplace in India. Jessie and I only crossed paths this week so the basics are still being covered while we’re getting to know each other.

I’ve enjoyed sharing with you all, as usual. Take care and all the best.

Day 4 without making progress in my novel.

Looking good for another day at writing.

I just got a nice haircut. I was growing it out so there would be enough hair to style, and I found a really good hairdresser so I’m having a good day. This is despite a girl from Tinder standing me up again in her choice to come to Maldon and catch up. She says she’s sick. She probably is. I got another email from Jessie, today. She credited me on my grammar and punctuation – really talked it up, hey.

I really need to write more the way I speak. It’s helpful to write in this way to get your point across in a more effective way. This speech is stilted. I like talking in a professional manner. Sometimes I talk like an adolescent, or how I did during my adolescence, anyway. I don’t often write the way I’m comfortable talking! I have to make a habit of practicing to write like I’m talking.

This is a turning point in my writing technique. To be as elloquent on paper as I am verbally, what a feat. Yes, I’m aware that I used verbally incorrectly as written word is also a form of verbal communication. Interesting that they should be treated in the same (according to Mark Tredinnick in The Little Red Writing Book). Perhaps it was writing with this very ellegance which captured Jessie’s attention on my writing ability.

I’m about to write about my father, and step father in my autobiography – self help book. This has made me deal with the loss of my father in a way I’ve never really grasped before. At least not as an adult. I think it’s important to reflect on the past with an eye for regauging your perspective and adjusting that point of view to suit the present circumstances. It’s good to be able to think outside the box too – then come up with alternatives which might be even better.

I think I’m going to be sober this afternoon and I’m going to use that time to make progress in my book. Charles should be over after he’s finished work. I hope he brings some with him. It’s been nice because I’ve been out just as Charles has got and has been over shouting me a little. I’m still intent on quitting soon. It could be sooner than I’m expecting, like today or tomorrow. That’s how quitting can be for me. I have to stave off having a cigarette in the mean time and that’s going to be tough as I’m already starting to get that urge to light one up.

I think I’m going to do some reading or get out the Vita and read a graphic novel instead. I also bought several games for the Vita last night. A few of which are already installed. There’s XCom which is a game I was interested in for pc when I had a gaming laptop, and Stealth Inc 1 & 2 which is another puzzle sort of game. I also bought a game Mercenary something or other, a case for the Vita, an adaptor which is a game cartridge to micro usb – not sure what it’s for but it could be promising, and a 64 Gb memory card for it, for which I paid through the teeth! It was $125 including postage. That’s almost half of what the Vita cost me.

Mum’s phone battery arrived today along with my Vita game which I bought from play-asia.com. The games are priced so high sometimes, and I would prefer to own the physical copy rather than the digital copy only because I can’t lend that digital copy out, or sell it later on. Also, it’s taking up expensive memory card realestate space. It needs to be either a current game I’m playing or be one that I’m willing to return to to stay stored in there. At the moment the storage space should be fine so there’s no need to worry about which games are installed to it just yet. This one makes for a total of 10 games I own on the Vita. I’ve played Tearaway and got through one already (it is a short game), and I’ve had a go at Stealth Inc 2, which seems promising. But I’m likely to have a look at Dragan Ronpa next. It’s an interactive visual novel as far as I can tell.

I’m also reading the Qu’ran, the Little Red Writing Book, and a couple on learning Arabic as a second language: Arabic for Dummies, and An introduction to Modern Standard Arabic….’. I’m thinking about a smaller writing project as well which I’d like to take up. It’s a cross between a romance and a horror. It should provide a lot of interesting play.

Well, my dear reader, I hope you’re keeping well and this blog post has found you well once again. Take care.

Looking good for another day at writing.

Unproductive day rolling over from yesterday.

I’ve yet to work on my novel – again! Yesterday and the day before were days where I was making connections for penpals in email. I have a better idea of where I’m going in my work in progress however. As I’ve had time to think about it. I’m just not sure how I’m going to proceed as there are a number of mixed things to write about. If I’m going from past to present, I have this problem of referring to present circumstances at length because it might be too difficult to get back into the story’s present. I don’t want to detract from that.

I suppose I’m just working on a really sensitive topical point about my life (in the novel) and I’m pressured to deal with my own emotions while I’m intending on writing about it all in my book, I haven’t quite got there myself. I’m also not sure whether to include everything of my past. I don’t want to trample on anyone’s toes.

Unproductive day rolling over from yesterday.

Another day, another keyboard.

On the apple magic keyboard again today. I’m sick of this corded business, every time I need to connect the keyboard to the phone. The keyboard isn’t that bad. I just haven’t used apple keyboards before. I’m going to google the best keyboards for touch typing, once I’ve posted here. Hopefully there’s a bluetooth option available!

I haven’t worked on my book in several days. Instead, I found a bunch of penpals and wrote them all email letters. I have some who reply to the full extent of the necessary requirements and those whose English isn’t so good as to afford them that privilege but are polite none the less. Then there seems to be a couple of members who participate purely in order to waste other members time. They are trolls.

I like to help trolls sometimes. Guide them to a better way of life. When I was really down in my life, I did drastic things for a thrill – to feel alive. One of those things was trolling. I couldn’t communicate what I was going through and was so miserable that I would reach out online with poor communication skills and an unwillness to be guided by others. I was super depressed but trolling helped me stay away from more serious crimes I was commiting to keep myself affectively well. I quit smoking, I drank more often. I ate more junk food. I exercised more and less frequently – when I was up to no good, I was getting tons of exercise, when I was trolling, I was lacking sleep and struggling with addiction.

Those were some dark days for me. I went through a lot of suicidal thinking issues and ideation. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I was separated from my dog, Chloe. I had lost a girl friend who I was in love with, and I was suffering depression. I got my depression treated medically with SSID medication, and got support from a forum dedicated to suicide. It’s a pro-life forum which has a pretty serious approach to beating suicidal thinking. I took some of the advice and started walking every day, going different ways each time, changing the way I did things throughout the day.

More recently, I was back there, suicidal again, and on the verge of becoming really depressed. I was walking again and found another piece of advice, to make plans each day and see all of them through to completion. So I did that, setting 3 small goals each day and accomplishing whatever those were. I still find myself looking at smaller everyday tasks as achievements to be accomplished. I get a small sense of satisfaction when I do them every day.

Then I began writing again. Taking it too seriously at times but writing none the less. I’m also making new friends with people who speak Arabic. One of them even offered to teach me Arabic in her spare time. I’ve been blogging regularly which is different for me, but I’m working on writing quality blog posts. And I’d like to do some extraneous writing for pleasure, on top of the book I’m working on. I think I need to up the amount of writing I do thoughout the day.

I’ve switched to drinking tea over coffee in the wake of giving up ciggies. I think coffee is a trigger for me so especially in the mornings I’m drinking tea. Last week, I had some Earl Grey tea there which I developed a bit of taste for. I’m doing pretty well with giving them up too. I haven’t had one today and I’ve been up since 7 o’clock this morning. It’s now going on 2:30. I have had some weed to help me get through the morning hours, however I haven’t had much and have endured the cravings well enough to avoid smoking a cigarette.

I still haven’t heard back from April. Maybe I came across a little harsh the last time I spoke with her. I’m just astonished that she doesn’t want to give me her address. She’s been talking about coming over here to visit and even stay here with me and let me take her sightseeing, and to attraction parks. What the . . .

I supposed she might be playing with me but then I think about her trust issues and wonder whether it’s just that. It was like a good friend telling you that you’re no longer welcome at their home! And I’d just spent quite a bit of money on her in presents so I was a bit flabergasted, to say the least. Yes, I also felt like a fool.

That’s about it for now. Take care and wish me well in producing some writing today! Thanks.

Another day, another keyboard.