I think I’ve discovered the main source for my writer’s block and it happens to be related to my procrastination points. It’s exposure. I almost don’t want my writing to be read by others. At least my raw material, such as the kind in blogs. It’s me all over and I don’t have a response from my audience, you. I like that talking to you is like having an eternal ear but I need some of the sort of feedback you get from a proper dialogue. Having my thoughts and opinions in the open from the get-go seems like I’m doing myself an injustice.
On the other hand, the freedom to express myself over rides the need for privacy and so I submit to posting this blog here today. My reluctance to blog stems from my new acquaintance taking an interest in my writing which led me to sharing my blog’s location. I do need an audience. I suppose I wasn’t expecting it to be so daunting. I just want my writing to be its best. And I’m a perfectionist.
I’m on the verge of quitting weed which is awesome. I just have the ciggies to contend with because I’ve been slipping up with smoking them more than with weed lately and I’m starting to smoke more than I had been while cutting back. This is because I struggle with mornings. Typically, I don’t know what to do with myself while mum is still asleep from working night shifts, and I become restless until I’m doing something like enjoying a cuppa with a cigarette. It’s difficult to give that up without something to replace it.
I’ve also identified with other writer’s who claim their fear of performance stems from some attempt to produce work of comparible quality to previous work. I’ve found that I harbour some unrealistic associations in comparing previous work to my work in progress. Most of the time they need to be looked at as separate pieces of work. Sometimes in making progress within my work in progress, I wonder whether my next step in writing material is going to ruin my work by disrupting flow, voice, setting, etc and then either contribute very little or nothing at all – until I feel the content is “right” to continue my book. Sometimes I just feel lazy and don’t want to work on it. I feel that way toward reading sometimes too. The effort can seem wasted on writing, and I feel impacted in this way to a greater extent, having lost all my previous work bar one short story which was recently published. I’m given hope by having my work out there on the market but I’m also a little hindered by fear. I’m rusty as a writer and need to get back into that mood I was in when I got so much enjoyment out of writing that I would find my thoughts leaning towards it throughout my days.