I’m excited to start studying next year. I’m returning to study after not being employed for several years. The last course I undertook was with OpenUni online. I took a BA in Professional Writing, my interest still in play since my days of studying Writing and Editing at TAFE. Before those courses, I attempted a BA in Applied Social Science (Counselling). I really enjoyed TAFE and ACAP, but found the writing course a little stilted toward professions which I was less interested in, at the time.

My writing is changing all the time, as I’ve been constantly changing as a writer, and human being. So it stands to reason that my interests in the field of writing could change as well. I’ve adjusted to the fact that writing is work, and that to excell at it, I need further education. This leads me to look for a qualification in writing, as being published often depends on a writer’s credentials or life experience. I wouldn’t mind a job editing. I think I would get a sense of satisfaction out of (even) rewriting something another person has attempted.

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TV and Music in the morning

I was awake way too early this morning. When I was inside, there was a constant barrage of music in the mornings which I would listen to as more of a distraction to my being there, than for the enjoyment of the music itself. The radio wasn’t much to like in there, at any rate, I’ve been listening to music and watching tv this morning from my phone to soak up the boredom. Now I’m listening to music and writing this blog. Mum is still in bed. I’m sitting at the kitchen table; quite uncomfortably seated on hard chairs but with the added benefit of the table. I just can’t sit back in this chair without putting stress on my lower back.

My past friend Jess just messaged me. I removed her from my facebook friends because she avoided telling me it was her birthday. I don’t need that sort of negativity in my life. She says she’s been distant lately, so I messaged her about what’s going on in her life, and why she avoided telling me it was her birthday. She hasn’t replied yet, as I just sent it to her. I’ve also cut April off. She was nervous about sharing her personal information. Not cool, after being in regular communication for almost a decade. I just wanted to send her a present, while she was talking about coming to Australia (again), and catching up with me – even staying for some of the duration of her holiday. I think she was leading me on, and I don’t need that either.

I’m cutting Jimmy off too. He was saying that David Rose, the local turd patrol, could be a cunt but… and was going to say something nice about him. It isn’t so much that he had something to say in favor of the turd, but that he didn’t finish saying it, which tells me he isn’t a friend. I won’t have to put up with any of it, after I’ve moved to Bendigo next week. I just hope there are some housemates I can get along with, besides the one other tenant I’ve met so far.

It’s time to revamp my life.

TV and Music in the morning

Moving in a week

This house has been sold so it looks like I got out just in time. I’m moving to within walking distance of La Trobe University. I’ll be able to save money on petrol. And it looks like I’ll be able to do a little downloading again, since there is internet included in the boarding costs.

I won’t be able to afford to smoke anymore, nor will I be able to smoke billies once I’ve moved in there (at least at home). I’m going to have to put in a determined effort to quit before I move out of here, if I’m going to be able to live with the other smokers without asking them for cigarettes. I really don’t want to make that first impression.

There are a couple of cute girls living in the share house. I’ll have to be careful not to let anything happen or develop between us, so I’m not at risk of mixing business and pleasure. I owe “Charles” my gratitude for reminding me of this point, after mentioning the girls to him. I suppose I took his advice on board, again. He often opens my eyes to socially correct behaviour.

Charles has a really good moral compass. I’ve approached him for advice a couple of times and he hasn’t disappointed me. He’s upbeat, and doesn’t mess around with other drugs on a regular basis. Ideally, I’d like to give everything away and be completely straight, and a non-smoker. Charles would do well for himself to stop messing around with the other stuff, like myself. He’s really nice and that world isn’t. I’d hate to see him go down that road, but I’d like to believe he has enough moral fibre to prevent himself from becoming like that.

I, like he agrees, need to get off the weed before I get off the antipsychotic medication. I certainly don’t believe it’s worth the concession for the privilege of smoking weed. And I don’t need weed while I’m trying to complete a BA at uni. Besides this, the thought just occurred to me that my mental health could become a problem, if I don’t kick the weed completely, once I’m off the meds.

I’ve been trying to kick the ciggies, and in the process I’ve attempted to cut back on my coffee consumption by switching to tea. I’ve been drinking Earl Grey. It’s nice without milk and with, and I can add little or much sugar without the tea tasting bad. I find it a little more relaxing and myself less effected by the caffein.

I’m breaking the general rule of thumb by speaking about my weed smoking habits online. I don’t mind overlooking rules at times when it’s to my benefit. In a way, I think that being able to express myself at length about it, I’m able to uncover unknown parts of myself, and in turn learn something about myself. I need to do such “exploring” maybe to a greater extent than the neurotypical person needs to. That sort of self exploration is probably negligable in comparison to the degree and spectrum which I need to observe.

I’m really looking forward to this move! I’m going to be at my desk a lot and reading a fair bit more. I have a couple of books on English I’d like to read. Rare survivors of my almost completely anihilated library. I also borrowed a book from the library which was too interesting to put back, titled: ‘Writing in an age of Silence’, Sara Paretsky. I’ll let you know what it’s like.

I’ve pulled out all the Vita games from my bedroom and stowed them in the lounge room table’s drawer cavity which mum and I use as a storage area. I haven’t played many of them, and I plan on going through them all over the next couple of days. The Vita gets about 3 and a half hours battery life, and charges in a little under 2 hours that leaves me with about half an hour play time per game and about 2 charges (3 battery loads per day) and that will equate to about 3 days total.

I’m currently playing Street Fighter X Tekken, and so far it looks good. I’m a little disappointed with the use of the rear touch pad for controls but at least they made use of the available space to add L3 & R3 buttons. It’s an Alpha version of Street Fighter in use, so I’ll pick it up easily since my PS1 versions were Alpha EX and EX2 Plus. I’ll have to get another copy, if there’s a 2 player capability built into the game.

I just checked out the multiplayer functions of Street Fighter X Tekken. It looks like there’s a possibility. I think Ad-hoc is meant to be it. Also, there’s a place to set up your own channel, so I suppose it wouldn’t be inconceivable to have a friend join your channel for a game of Street Fighter. At least the characters actually make contact in this version of Tekken X Street Fighter. I was concerned about that, after realizing there was little to no actual contact in my friends version of Tekken on Xbox360 which for some reason isn’t working anymore.

I’m going to ask my cousin, Steve if he still has that old xbox360 sitting there for me. He said I could have it, if I came to pick it up. We’ve been meant to catch up since I got out of remand but he’s had a shitty run in his love life and he’s now patching things up with his partner, so I might leave the xbox issue alone for the time being. I want to see how he’s doing because he’s stopped communicating on fb since posting a public message saying he was going offline for a few days, that was almost a month ago.

Here is a list of the Vita games I own: Fifa 14; Street Fighter X Tekken; Gravity Rush; Lumines – Electronic Symphony; Mary Skelter – Nightmares; Tearaway; Persona 4 Golden; Criminal Girls 2; Rayman Legends; Mortal Kombat; Big Little Planet; Metal Gear Solid – HD Collections; Final Fantasy X/X-2; Borderlands 2; Trigger Happy Havoc – Danganronpa; and some other Japanese games which are almost as unplayable as Danganronpa was. I would have enjoyed it, had I not been obliged to click on everything in each environment – tedious asf!!

I’m writing this blog post while my friend “Charles”, and my mother are here. I feel rude while writing here but somehow this is more acceptable than both playing on the PS Vita, and my phone, or maybe I just feel it’s so. I’m ignoring them very little, while I’m doing this, however. I can take a break to join in the conversation whenever I like. It’s funny how a portable gaming console is less socially acceptable than me using my phone, or writing on my phone with the external keyboard. I came across the issue on youtube the other day and found it facinating.

I’m back on IRC. I was invited to an IRC (by an admin member) to an openasd channel which so far seems to be inactive during my active hours. ASD obviously referring to Autism Spectrum Disorder. I really struggled with my diagnosis, but found great refuge, and outlet in freedom of expression with other people with an ASD. At times I felt so inadequate, I wanted to end it all.

I’ve brought myself out of my suicidally depressive state by use of goal setting. Each day, I would set myself 3 small goals, and I did feel like I had accomplished something after doing them all. I’ve moved on from then and do those things with some enthusiasm now, as my goals have risen to greater heights, of studying at university again, and of those I’ve accomplished already, that of getting a car, and replacing my gaming means since selling my gaming laptop. I miss playing ‘Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds.’ I own it, and many other games (on steam), for life.

I used to have so much fun on the synthetic, and now I regret that I used to do it at all. I wish I hadn’t got into it, and the amount of money I had accumulated in my bank while staying at Vahland House, which was meant for the bond and rent in advance on my next house/flat, went on synthetic weed instead. My friends who were staying at my house insisted on staying there longer due to cleaning up the house before my arrival. I suppose they put a lot of effort into it, but the lack of support was quite profound. It was nice having them around despite them leaving owing me money.

Another time further on (after Tom and Andrew moved out), there was a demonstration in town again building the world’s biggest mosque in Bendigo (where there are four Muslims in the region). I had taken out a loan the previous day and bought a camera for the event. I was going to post photos online but Tom took not one useable photo. He later told me that he, and Andrew are “pro-mosque.” I couldn’t believe the betrayal. I don’t know whether to consider him a close friend anymore. I kind of got him back for what he did, so he could be being friendly to get close to me in order to fuck me over, again.

I’m not smoking a cigarette today. I’m taking sneaky billies in my room when mum goes to the toilet. She’s cooking later on, and I’m probably going to dismantle my bed in my room, so I’ll have ample opportunity to smoke while I’m in there. But I really want to stop smoking altogether. I’ll see how I’m doing tomorrow after one day of not smoking a ciggie, and with limited smoking. I’ll have to watch my intake. Maybe switch to smoking backie cones tomorrow instead of weed, and further reduce my intake that way. Maybe allow myself one every hour and a half or longer.

I spoke with my Dad, recently. I told him that I was looking for a place to live, and he thought I meant that I was looking to move in with him. He replied saying that he didn’t have the space in his home to put me up at the moment. I thanked him anyway. It was nice of him to think of me regardless, I suppose I’m just not used to the idea of my own Dad not knowing me better. I would naturally ask for a place in his home, if I wanted it. He misgave me his support.

I’m happy with my decision to remain in the area. I can’t live so far away from everyone I love and care about for the satisfaction of living in the warmer climate of Queensland. My Dad barely knows me, and my siblings (mostly) seem to be either living their own lives, or are separated from my dad through divorce. I would like to spend some time with my dad, and get to know him and my brothers’ and sisters’ on his side but it’s just not a viable option for me while I’m taking on this bachelors degree.

I have a few aspie traits which I’m not happy about. I tend to tell stories in a much longer fashion than necessary; I get excited at times and say whatever’s on my mind without thinking; I get locked into topics and want to talk about the same thing at length; and there’s another thing which might not be related to my condition but which of coarse is made more difficult because of that, my unusual understanding and approach to certain topics. I sometimes don’t have feelings about things which have hurt me personally in the past. I think I’ve come to block it out, or maybe I can’t cope with my feelings about it so I refuse to engage emotionally.

I had just got out of court for assaulting a man who was wrestling me and restricting me from moving. I had only kicked him in the shin with runners as he refused to let me go. It’s a little more complicated than that, I’ll be honest, but the fact remained that I ought to have been excused on grounds of self defence but my legal aid lawyer refused me that option, saying it would be too difficult.

This court case hearing was happening while I was unwell. I’d left the court house and saw a burly man crush a boy neck first into a handrail before stomping down a younger girl on the footpath trampling her feet in the process. He then picked her up and layed her face down on his lap as she kicked and screamed. I walked up behind him with a knife and slid the blunt side of the blade across his throat before putting it away. I pursued him into an office he had locked himself inside and broke the office window before the police arrested me. I spent four and a half months in remand and was facing two years jail time inclusive. I was giving some leniency because I wasn’t well at the time and with treatment my behaviour is good.

My mate might be leaving shortly. “Whenever”, he says. That will leave me doing my bedroom chore on my own. I don’t really care because I know it wont take me long. It will give me a chance to smoke a little though, so I’ll wait for as long as I can, before I do it. I have a bit of a headache, and spewed up my very strong coffee which I made myself accidentally this morning. I’m drinking water in the hopes that I’m just lacking fluids.

I slept well, last night. I’ve been using two light woolen blankets of a night on my bed and sleeping in my clothing beneath them. I’m grateful for my friend’s advice on sleeping in pants. That you shouldn’t wear them the following day. I haven’t had a shower today, because I’ve been entertaining my mate, “Charles” who stayed over last night.

I’m wondering whether I co-operated with staff in remand too much. I mean I’m not as adverse to answering questions as I used to be. I suppose I needed to co-operate with the psychiatrists, and other mental health workers in order to be treated properly, and I have to admit it has helped me rebuild my life from the mess that it had become. I’m regaining my thirst for success.

I went to visit my cousin who is struggling at the moment. She doesn’t know what she’s doing at the moment, according to her. She went to the train bridge thinking of suicide. Her boyfriend is a poor support for her as he wants to continue using ice and she doesn’t want to engage with drugs anymore. She’s been free from weed for many years now and noticed her boyfriend offering her billies more than once. I told her that I didn’t think she could use his support.

I’ve been using a free subscription of Google Play Music and found a beast mode radio amongst the hiphop / rap radio stations. It isn’t too bad, and I’m loving the lack of ads. The app proves to find quite a lot of albums and songs by artists I usually struggle to find online, and much better search results than spotify has for the same searches. I also found the Freeview app which allows you to watch free to air tv on your phone. I wish I had been offered this plan with 60Gb earlier this year, when mum could have enjoyed her favorite programs on tv while we’ve been living here.

Moving in a week

The Binding Of Isacc

I bought this game a couple of days ago and had a little play around with it. My friend Em encouraged me to buy it because it was multiplayer, she actually used to play this game on pc before she bought herself a Vita which I encouraged her to do. I bought The Binding of Isacc, and until I discovered it wouldn’t multiplay I wasn’t as interested in the game and so it went by the wayside only getting the occasional turn, as I felt like killing some time on the Vita. Tonight was a little different, however, as I played it for a few hours tops but managed to finish the game without unlocking any new characters. Em is on the phone to my mum at the moment, she says the game is multiplayer online and that there might be an option to sync Vitas’, once we’re both in game. I’m hoping so, because I thoroughly enjoyed winning the game in normal mode. I suppose I’ll be playing it in hard mode from now on.

I was also playing a little Gravity Rush. It feels a little artificial to get around in the game, the movements are precipitated by this hover function which allows you to change the direction you “fall” in. So far the attack is fly kicking movements which has started to get old.

I’ve been playing another game, Superbeat Xonic which is a little like Guitar Hero in that you have to hit key points on the screen as the “bars” arrive at their locations. Another game which has a lot of visual and audiable stimuli which I’ve been trying to wrap my head around is Lumines – Electronic Symphony. 2×2 square blocks fall toward you like in tetris but need to be aranged in configurations of 2×2. There are two tones and the skins and music unlocks throughout gameplay. I quite enjoy the music at the higher levels and feel pumped getting 4 block matches, and combos. The next game I’m going to try out is Street Fighter X Tekken. I’m annoyed that I can’t get a straight up decent copy of Street Fighter on the Vita. I bought a PS1 version of it and find it crappier than the two copies of Street Fighter (Alpha, and EX2 Plus) which I owned on it and for some reason weren’t available as downloadable games on the Vita; I expect something really good from this legitimate copy of Tekken to compensate me for this lack of deliverance to fans of Capcom’s Street Fighter.

I’m not a fan of Tekken, and many fans of Tekken I’ve come across haven’t been fans of Street Fighter, so I’m interested to see what differences arise in gameplay and make a comparison of the fighting tactics and strategies to winning fights consistently. I just hope Street Fighter is the more dominant of the two in the game’s design. I’m ace at Street Fighter and want Em to get it on the Vita, if it’s also a two player game – which for pete’s sake is practically necessary for the game to be its best. My mate, “Charles” is a fan of Tekken, and when I played it I found it really poor in comparison to SF. The movements were overly subtle and timing the use of attack buttons and distancing seemed to be more important than the visual appeal, or lack thereof of SF. So much the better game which includes a wide range of movements, and powerups etc.

“Charles” is asleep on the couch while Em is cooking chocolate ripple cake in the kitchen with mum. I’m just chillin’ in the lounge listening to music and writing this blog. I just returned from a break playing the Vita. I was playing Binding of Isacc again and noticed that the levels have increased in the loading screen section of the game, even Em is baffled. I think I’m going to try to find something nice to snack on, in the kitchen. Take care.

The Binding Of Isacc

Writing for a new purpose.

As you might not be aware, I’m applying for a course in English at La Trobe university. There’s an exit point after one year which will give me a diploma in English. This is a sight better than doing the cert 4 in writing and editing at TAFE, although maybe a little less involved with the subjects that interest me most. The uni offers a variety of writing modules which I’ll be seeking to take on, as well as some other modules which might be of interest such as those found in psychology, but maybe I’ll leave those alone and focus purely on the English related modules.

I have a place to live which is within walking distance to uni, and there seems to be a good mix of housemates, some of whom are unemployed, as I have been for a long time. In light of this, I doubt I’ll be judged in an overly critical manner for being out of work for so long. Some people look down on those who collect unemployment benefits, and my mother is no exception. With this degree, I know I’ll be able to find work in the writing or editing or even publishing fields – all of which I find appealing.

I’m writing this blog while sitting in the library. There are nice books on display, urging me to read them. My iced coffee is almost full and my blog nearly written and so I’m thinking a smoke followed by a gentle stroll throughout the library’s book shelves might uncover some hidden gem. There are magazines all over the shelving system near where I’m working. They remind me to finish reading the Reader’s Digest magazine I acquired the other week. My time has been taken up by calls to Telstra, packing belongings, organising my course, and accommodation, and smoking, along with visiting relations and friends with my new wheels.

I’m not sure where my writing is headed. I’m thinking about postponing my book to work on my studies. It might be that I’m changing as a writer. I still want to write fiction, however, I’m finding the autobiography / self-help book for people on the autism spectrum has come to a grinding halt. I actually submitted the contents I’ve written to it so far to Ian from TAFE for assessment purposes of getting a place in the course. I was offered a place after the assessment but hoping upon hope that I can secure a place at La Trobe. I need this!

Writing for a new purpose.

I’m doing quite well

I’ve reduced my smoking – both tobacco and weed. I’m losing my dependency of weed and I think, if I can let go of the weed completely, I’ll have everything I need in place to stop smoking tobacco. I’m going back to uni. I’m studying English. This doesn’t prevent me from smoking weed but I’ll be off my CCO, and CTO early next year, which means I’ll be dropping the medication and that in turn (for me) means absolutely no weed. I’m looking forward to that time in my life where I can look back over many years without drug use and saying that was something I improved in my life.

Who knows what sort of improved turns my life might have taken between now and then. I imagine great things for myself, if my recent successes are any sort of guage to compare to. All I’ve really done is picked up my act and found an occupation to apply myself to – that in itself is huge for me! I don’t often find interests easily and so cycle through many before I frantically exhaust each one of my fall-back special interests. Fortunately, reading offers diverse possibilities for learning, enjoyment, and for bettering your own writing.

I’ve found a room within walking distance of the university I’ll be attending. I have a car, and reduced my belongings to something managable, and I’ve been getting into a bit of music lately. Funny, I never really enjoyed much music or enjoyed only parts of songs or lyrics. The main reason is that I don’t comprehend the lyrics being sung in most music that I listen to. This is due to an abnormal Wernick’s Region (slightly forward of above each ear) possibly not functioning correctly as a result of having autism. I enjoy game music, and heavier techno such as psytrance, and some underground dance music. Dance music is the most fun when I’m out and about, as that’s what’s usually what gets around rather than the heavier stuff I enjoy but rarely come across now, since my friend, K-Doll who introduced me to psytrance and the similar genres of techno, trance, etc has moved away. It’s weird being the person still living at home/in the same area and having someone move away.

It was usually me moving away from everyone else, now this mini-loss is somehow plaguing me with remorse for the loss, maybe even gives me remorse for not being able to keep in touch with my friends’ I’d made all over the country while I moved around throughout my childhood. So many short lived friendship that could have flourished over the years and become a great personal network of, sociologically speaking, wide distribution of an erratic meeting frenzy. My friendships resemble this bleak social mix of people I’ve lost contact with, people I know but aren’t all that close to, people whose names I’ve forgotten; speaking of forgetting names, it’s probably a nasty situation having autism and being a people person at the same time. I should probably just see myself as more of a student when it comes to social ettiquette – my mate, “Charles,” is a great social teacher.

I’m doing quite well

Building inspection today

So they’re sending through building inspectors today to check the integrity of the house we’re living in. Mum was losing her shit again as usual and worse of all standing up for Sue who promised to take it off the market, if we were to stay there, which we did. She again said she was going to take it off the market and I gave notice rather than wait to see if she was going to stick to it this time.

I need to find a smoke as I didn’t bring any with me today. I drove my car into Castlemaine today (on the permit). I was stopped in a police road block but they were nice and let me through without scrutinising my plans of driving for the day. The male attendee even congratulated me on ‘getting new wheels.’ I was so relieved that I didn’t need to defend my motives for driving as I didn’t have an alibi for a visit to a mechanic, for example.

I’d like to go find a smoke somewhere. I don’t have any money so I’m hoping to see someone I know who can spot me one (and a light – I don’t need much!). I figure I could go to a place where people light up and try to bot one off somebody. I think I need one because mum stressed me out today; hence, why I left in my own car instead of getting a lift, and because I’ve been smoking lately that I’m getting cravings again.

My car will be registered this Tuesday, provived I can get an appointment before then. The appointment booking fee is around $50- and since I cancelled once before, they won’t accept another booking without that booking fee upfront. So possibly won’t be registered until later in the week or possibly the following week. Well, time to see what I can do about a smoke. Maybe I have some coins floating around in my backpack which I could offer to someone for a cigarette.

Building inspection today