The loss of my life.

Skateboarding was a passion of mine. For me there was an immense freedom and sense of enjoyment which could be obtained from no other activity or source. It was also my life. I lived it and breathed it. I was sponsored.

I was forced to move to a secluded part of the country, after I was hospitalised with drug-induced psychosis. It was actually partly due to being date raped a week prior, and given too much adult type of conversation with which to work through on top of it. The country wasn’t ideal for skating and so I was limited by where, and how often I could skate.

I was also growing up at this time, and found a good mentor who inspired me to to get a job, to work. I had a strong work ethic, built from the ideals of good men like my mentor and friend who was a slaughterman. He’s retired now. I found the meat industry easy to break into as there aren’t an abundance of people willing to work in the field. Much of the work is mundane but the people I worked with were decent.

One night, after the supervisors had left Davis Poultry, myself along with a few work collegues were set to a little over time. We were to put chicken pieces through a skinning machine and then we were to knock off and see ourselves out. I was over ambitious with bringing a tub of chicken pieces from the chiller room and had broken out into a sort of run with this tub in my grip. I had been stepping on an empty pellet which was in my path at an entrance way (which I wasn’t allowed to move for OH&S reasons), and stepped upon this pellet throughout my brisk steppings. Somehow my leg gave out and I fell – spilling the chicken pieces all over the floor and injuring my right hip.

Later, it was determined that my ligaments were damaged and would never repair. According to the doctor, this damage would continue to ensue throughout my lifespan, and if too much damage were to be incurred, I would lose the function of my right leg. I would be unable to even walk.

I still bought a skateboard but this time it was an AP (single kick) deck which I could cruise around on. I refunded it for whatever I managed to salvage through my use of the set up. The pressure from pushing myself along was causing me hip pain.

I still had my old skateboard set up somewhere and so enjoyed a little showing off on that from time to time but still refrained from using it for more than that.

Another injury had been holding me back, on top of this. A shoulder dislocation left me with an arm which would easily dislocate at the shoulder whenever I would throw my arms out for balance during certain tricks and so I gave my new deal set up to my brother’s to share.

Years later, and still I miss riding my skateboard and doing tricks. I broke down to hysterics one night. I fell to my knees and cried out in anguish with feelings of loss and pain from not being able to engage in my favorite activity – skating. I said to those friends who were nearby that I didn’t realise how much skating had meant to me before then. That my loss had only just struck me. I would never skate again. I will never skate again, and that still hurts me – as skating was my passion and I was willing to put my whole life into it, and there’s nothing I can do which will allow me to skate with the same amount of freedom and excitement which it holds for me.

Fortunately, I haven’t found any pain or discomfort from walking and I intend to continue walking long distances because at least I’m still exploring my area, getting out and getting exercise, and because it does offer some level of freedom. Lately, I’ve been walking with bluetooth headphones on. It’s nice to have music to listen to but I need to be careful because my hearing isn’t the best while the headphones are playing music directly into my ear canal. I suppose I like the fact there is a little danger involved. Skating always provided that for me. God I miss that part of my life. I have found running preferable to walking (during a time I was training to join the ADF), but I’m afraid of the stress that might put on my hip. I could go into all the activities which have had to be ceased and desisted from but the list and examples are endless, and I’m not morbid over the injury, as much as I have dismay at not being able to follow my dream.

So by this token, I’m ending with my new dream: complete an English degree at university and become a qualified writer. This will make me employable as well as provide me with necessary skills and know-how to write something of my own at a higher standard than I ever could without an education. Anyways, this was my writing activity tonight. I hope you enjoyed it.

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The loss of my life.

I’ve given away the darts

Last Tuesday, I invested in nicorette mouth spray. It was my second purchase after a small pouch of choice tobacco (which I split with an associate whom I ought not have associations with but for some reason feel some sort of affiliation to), and smoked the better part of half the pouch to myself.

Today, I had some tobacco left but decided to get rid of it and concentrate on quitting with use of the mouth spray, so I gave the remaining tobacco, papers, and even my lighter to my housemate who is leaving this Sunday. My cousin says that I shouldn’t try to over-do things with quitting weed and smoking at once (she hasn’t smoked weed for years but recognises the difficulty in getting over a habit). I reassured her that I’m not struggling with the weed – I’ve been good at refusing it when it’s offered to me, in the past always saying no and not feeling tempted by such an offer was a really positive time for me.

I’m going to continue using the mouth spray, and purchase another two pack of canisters when I get paid next fortnight. So far, I’m not feeling the urge to smoke over the use of the spray, and it’s been around 6 hours, to be generous. I still have some bumpers around, so I might get rid of those so there’s nothing around to be tempted by. I’m going to do that, right now. And then I’m going to return to blog about something very important to me. So please accept my apology that this blog post had to be split into two posts . . . It’s mainly because I didn’t see any place for my quitting the ciggies in my post about loss and defiance of loss.

I’ve given away the darts

I actually quit smoking weed.

I’d been trying to quit both ciggarettes and weed at once. I’m using nicotine replacement mouth spray for a few days to help me get off the ciggies. But interestingly, despite my recent resolve to stay on the weed and medication, quitting weed has actually stuck! I’ve refused it a couple of times and have been feeling much better for it.

My short term memory problems have been the bane of my existence. And this is part of the reason why I took it upon myself to uproot my issues of fitting in, and of being off my face, (and of having weed’s notorious short term memory failure) to quit weed entirely. I had managed without it for many years and regret slipping that one time which broke my mind and left me dependent on drugs again. I become very unwell at such times, and I must not let myself take it on again. I know I’m better without drugs.

With university only around the corner, I need to focus on my education, getting by with weekly expenses, and I need to manage my money better so I can keep the debt collectors off my back. Today I wondered whether I need a weekend job, as I could use the extra cash, but I think the education suppliment would be about the same as a weekend shift or two so I’ll see how I’m doing after that’s in place. I’m thrilled with myself that I’ve pulled my head out of the gutter it was heading towards. Not that smoking weed is that way for everybody, but with the way my mental health is affected by its use, smoking weed is the pits.

I actually quit smoking weed.

I don’t know how I managed to discover this.

I was sitting there with the billy in my hands as my nearest confidant turned their back on me. “Shut up!” I was being told. I had been expressing myself with my normal attitude, and not the one of the smoker’s world in which I’m all too familiar. I realised that I’m a bit of a nerd, and mum doesn’t like nerds, I’ve figured, by her unrelenting disapproval of nerd like communication from me.

I don’t know whether this is entirely accurate or not, but it’s something which struck me as obvious at the time of inception: That I smoke weed as a habit to fit in with my loved ones and our mutual friends. I figure this is correct, based on the fact that I don’t like smoking it except for the social anxiety it relieves me of. So I summise that I smoke weed to be a different person. A person who’s nerdiness isn’t approved of, and by extension, that increased nerdiness which will ensure after I’ve regained the normal functions of my brain – in due time.

I basically feel I need a vice to be alright sometimes. This might be a false conception but it seems like something old fashioned men might believe. Maybe it’s something I’ve heard throughout my childhood and have since forgotten the person, time, or place. I thought I’d given away the weed forever today. Last night I made the decision to stop smoking weed.

Today I made the decision to continue smoking weed and stay on the medication which controls the development of psychosis (apparently). Now, I’m not silly enough to give up the medication, with continued smoking in mind, but I am silly enough to have chosen to please my personal cultural and social devices over that of being off the psych meds and clean from drugs. It seems this time around I made a decision without really consulting anyone about it first and not sure, but for now it makes sense to continue smoking it without allowing myself to become too “nerdy.”

I don’t know how I managed to discover this.

I’ve been offered a place at uni!

I just found an email letter of offer from the university which I’m situated within walking distance. I’ll be studying English and taking electives in journalism, and creative writing, as well as non-fiction writing, and possibly sale’s type, if it’s available. I’m very excited because not only am I getting a better qualification (and doing something more substantial with my year), but I’m also able to choose from a wider variety of classes. Also, I have been thinking about writing and since I’m not sure where exactly I want to be with it, English is the better course subject.

I’ve decided to prioritise my reading itinerary to just four books at a time. Well, four pieces of reading material at a time. This includes the magazines ‘Writer’s Digest’, which I’ve been reading a little at time. Once I have read through all of one book/the magazines, I’ll pick up Writing True Stories which I borrowed from the library and am yet to crack open. I’ve finished ‘Reading Like a Writer’, by Francine Prose. Does this mean I’ll be picking up and continuing ‘The Little Red Writing Book’? Or what about Printed Words 2017? Will I still want to read that, despite not attending TAFE this year?

Reading Like a Writer, Francine Prose was a good once through read. It delivers just enough on the elements which comprise good fiction. I especially benefited from the chapters on Character, and Narration. I also copied down all the “must read books” from the self titled chapter. I plan on reading most of them. I’ve read at least one or two from her list.

I’m also reading Blogging for Dummies, and Mind Programming, Eldon Taylor which is proving to be an eye-opening delve into the human mind, and how we’re influenced and affected by all sorts of stimuli, including marketing strategies implemented in the form of advertisements. Blogging for Dummies isn’t teaching me a great deal at the moment because I’m an experienced moderator, and the chapter I just finished reading was on comments and spam / troll detection, and moderation.

Once again, I’m super excited about getting into university! I’ll be able to walk to the campus, and there will be tougher material digestion. I can’t wait!! Also, I just realised, I wont need to come up with $400 for the course, as I’ll just apply for HECS or FeeHelp to complete the course, and there’s room for continuing studies and going on to do the bachelor’s degree as well. With where I’m situated, this could be shaping up to be a very positive chapter of my life.

I’ve been offered a place at uni!

Learning the “easy-way” impedes my growth.

My knowledge that one day I will be dead scares me. I was obsessed by my own mortality.

Have drugs played a role in my coping with the foresight that I won’t be here forever?

A friend of mine once told me: “He smokes as many bongs as possible because he knows one day that he will be dead.” This stuck with me in the way a maxim sticks to with a crowd of supporters. I rely on these as my guide throughout life because my neurological networks aren’t consolidated to the same degree, nor behave in the same manner, as neurotypical people probably don’t suffer this constant challenge of change, or rely on truisms to logically calculate the ambigous. But on to my friends easy way opinion I might have subconsciously defended due to not having a single retort or objection to it, at the time.

If it’s a natural continuation for me to reject the notion of ceasing the activity of smoking, then it’s a misguided doctrine and doesn’t have a place in my life any more.

What’s more, is my drug obsession, being a product in part of my coping mechanisms in play over the truth of life, of dying. I’m going to process some of my fears of death, and then talk about some of my hopes for my future.

Things That Scare Me About Death:

  • Leaving behind no trace of myself
  • Being forgotten forever
  • Not being alive!
  • Unable to think/feel/do anything

I wonder again about my drug interests, as it’s one of my priorities at the moment, to remove them from my life – and sometimes, in the process, deal with my personal issues which may arise, especially while my mindset is going through such major changes. Challenging my very ideals, my attitudes toward things, and my general lifestyle, including who I associate with (or don’t!)

So I consider my attitude toward school, after I became involved in drug use. I’m pretty sure that I hated school for other reasons prior to my drug habits forming. The drugs were more a progression of my street life of my youth. Skating, wagging school, getting up to no good – including drinking and smoking a bit of weed, and nothing too serious, don’t worry. I guess I have to consider the newly formed point I just incepted, that of drugs place in my school life, as a student. I also need to consider the fact that I’d prefer to be off the psych meds than to continue them for the small satisfaction of smoking weed, which costs me more than it’s worth to me, and which I have noticed starting to effect me in those undesirable ways. I’ve cut back as a consequence, and it seems the symptom has persided. These ponderings were the extrapolation of my musing over how my persona has changed through drug use, and my immersion in its relative cultures.

Where I want to be/who I want to become

“It’s a big rat-race, might as well join it!”, David Gleeson (2018)

The drug culture is strongly instilled in me. I’m going to return to this topic after I’ve given it some thought.

My goals for 2018:

  • Write a self-help book on Asperger’s
  • Be drug and alcohol free
  • Complete my studies
  • Read many books
  • Produce a piece of writing for publication in ‘Painted Words 2018’
  • Staying off drugs should be easy for me as I’ve abstained over a long period before
  • Get off the CTO/CCO
  • Write
  • Play/learn chess
  • Study Arabic, Islam, and the Middle East
  • Improve my blog

To do all this, I’ll need to start managing my time. At the moment there’s no time schedual for anything and my reading goals are gradually accomplished through a play as I go type of approach to getting everything done. I’d much prefer to have a schedual set for each activity, it could be a set work load such as reading a chapter of a book, or a time constraint such as spend an hour and a half writing. I was raised in the weed smoking culture. I’d like to be able to share more but at this time, I feel it is sharing too much. My reason for mentioning it? I need to express my options for dealing with such an upheaval of idealism, attitudes, and basic moralistic problems I’ve acquired through my drug smoking associates over the years. Some of them were cool, and by quitting I’m likely no longer going to be considered cool by them.

My interpretation of cool is associated with drug use.

Learning the “easy-way” impedes my growth.

In the wake of recent changes.

I’ll begin on a lighter note, and then progress on the more serious matters. An annoying song came on the radio while I’m at Mum’s. She wants access to the news throughout the day, and so forth, but when ‘Walk on Water’ by Eminem came on, I felt like pacing around the place like a lost animal. It was torturous to have so many songs on the one station we had available to us inside prison, MMM. I suppose the music wasn’t all that bad, if you were willing to sit up past a certain hour listening. I had to laugh at my predicament, as I had no control over the music. It just took me back. Now on to more serious matters.

I need to nurse my digestive system back to health. Today I’ve eaten two party pies, and a party pastie. This is the most I’ve eaten by this hour of any day in the last few weeks. I’m going to keep working on this one. I’m also planning on seeing a doctor about it. All this goes on while I just hope that I don’t throw up my most recent meal.

I think I have self esteem issues related to my drug use. That by suddenly disassociating myself with certain users of drugs, as I had done in the past for recreational, and social reasons, but now feel like I’m out of my depth in the world for all the different social groups that may be available to myself. I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to relate. I’ve been doing this for so long. I know I’ve talked about this issue in the past with you but I need to estabilish another identity. And in so doing, I compiled a list regarding where I fit in:

  • Freemasonry
  • Student
  • Single middle aged man
  • Psychiatric patient
  • Been imprisoned?
  • Cleaning up life
  • Writer/artist (This was my last idea which caught my attention for its being described last while at the moment is my number one occupation)
  • Blogger

And here, much much later on, while referring to my notes and making adjustments to my current reading list, I realised the even more obvious social stratusphere in which I fit is that of being on the spectrum.

  • Aspie

This listing brought me another question of which I’m not certain there is a correct answer to. The question goes thus: “Who am I?”

  • I’m a freely expressing individual
  • I practice self improvement

Lately I’ve been working on internalised issues and so my external pursuits such as writing have been lacking. Conversely my reading list has become quite extensive, and I’ve decided to make daily progress on as many of them as possible. There is the Writer’s Digest magazine of which I’ve recently purchased the latest and has yet to have the cover opened on it, in light of being about 3/4ths through last months issue, but I’m reading it (them), and they’re quite hefty in size. I’m reading several of the ‘For Dummies’ titles. These are on Blogging, Australian Politics, and Arabic. There is ‘Reading Like a Writer’, Francine Prose; ‘Through Dusk and Darkness’, Jeremy Kroeker; Winter is Coming, by Garry Kasparov; another title I’ve borrowed from the library titled Writing True Stories, (the author of which isn’t within my reach at the moment), and the long left to gather dust, The Little Red Writing Book, which I’ve mentioned in my blog in the past and whose exercises I might just publish to this blog.

On writing: I wrote a synopsis for a narrative non-fiction flash type piece. Basically I have a plot, and maybe this is how I should work on my fiction from now on, as it seems to work out in favour of having a plot line worked out in advance, something which I could even improve upon with a little care, and with better note keeping habits could use it as a reference/guide while writing the story in its more palitable final product. This will probably take place after I’ve read ‘Reading like a Writer’. My blog will also improve, as I employ ideas from the text on Blogging.

I’d like to return to some of those interests I listed earlier, and decide on some options / avenues where I can meet people with similar interests. For one, I want to facebook search groups of bloggers, I’m also going to take ‘Blogging for Dummies’ advice and sign up to Twitter and begin sharing conversation, etc with other like-minded individuals who reside there.

I’m 100% aspie. Both a source of internal/external conflicts, and a source of comfort, in some ways providing other ways of coping that are less commonly associated with coping mechanisms. I think my earlier days of finger clicking while talking excitedly was a means of maintaining the speaking role as my panicked brain attempted to organise my words into logical sentences. Also, at the moment, I’m 100% writer, and blogger.

Things which bring down my self esteem are mainly based on having aspergers, and having had mental illness, not because I should feel myself to be beneath others but because of the stigma which surrounds (mainly) mental illness, Aspergers Syndrome isn’t widely understood for how much an individual who’s on the spectrum is impacted by it. Having gone to prison doesn’t bring me down, however. I stand by my right to intervene on such circumstances as they might occur that once every so often. I think it’s a low life who succumbs to the by-stander effect and does nothing, or maybe only reprimands the culprit gently so as not to cause offense, I think this is maybe what another socially responsible person would have done in the same situation as I was myself in.

Continuing to smoke is getting me down a bit. I’m putting in all this hard work and I need it to pay off monitarily as well as emotionally/psychologically. I’m planning on having a drug-free life, I just need to regress slightly for the topic of making social connections has been left behind in light of new ideas, and so I digress: The local library seems to have no writer’s group except for a single session for writing romance in the month of February, likely after my classes have commenced at TAFE. There’s the online writer’s forum where I’ve been participating, and have no longer to deal with the sites new member restrictions of use. There’s still facebook, and twitter, and the blog site itself.

I’ve read a chapter of ‘Blogging for Dummies’, a “part” of the magazing Writer’s Digest, and half a chapter of Francine Prose’s, ‘Reading Like a Writer.’ My next intentions are to read some of ‘Australian Politics for Dummies’, ‘Through Dusk and Darkness’, and finish up with the remainder of the chapter I’m reading of Reading Like a Writer. The rest of my currently reading book selection isn’t with me here. I may have a look into Arabic for Dummies later on.

My mum complained about me coming here and eating the remaining food of which I’d taken the majority with me, as I moved out while she stayed onboard here for a little longer as she needed to organise her belongings before they could be moved. Myself leaving some things behind here which need sorting through and myself being here and able and willing should be doing this very thing but instead I sit here smoking billies and writing my blog post you all from my chess table in the spare room which I had claimed while living here as a computer room, and spare place for guests to sleep, as there’s a sofa couch in here which just opens up with the desk taking up a considerable distance from the wall to the center of the room, the very same desk I told you all that I was considering setting up in my new place of residence, in place of my current desk which was there on moving in. Anyhow, I must away, and get some things done.

In the wake of recent changes.