A work collegue of my mother, who isn’t well liked, invited me to his place for a meal, and drinks. Well, the drinks were my idea, and an expense I was willing to shell out for, as I wanted to drink with someone who would at least get tipsy with me.
While I was there, I found him offering comfort by rubbing my back. Something which I simply shut down from. I had a minor melt down as it was reminiscent of the days I was being groomed by my older friend.
At a moment during which I was looking toward the floor, he pulled my chin so that I was face to face with him and then proceeded to open-mouth kiss me. The freeze response was so strong that I didn’t resist his advance but waited out the “kiss” and tried to distance myself from him for the remainder of the night.
I went to sleep in his spare bed shortly after, as I didn’t want to drink drive, and felt really awful about the entire situation. I didn’t contact him the following day, but the day after that, he was contacting me via text messaging, and even tried calling me. I decided to have no more contact with him so I messaged him saying that “I didn’t want to associate with him anymore, because he kissed me without my consent.”
He seemed really upset by this, and said he felt really ashamed for having done it, and that he was “just an old fool.” Then implored me to remain his friend, and continue speaking with him. I told him I would contact him when I wasn’t busy – with the intention of remaining too busy to speak with him again.
Then later on that afternoon, I was at my friend’s place talking with my friend, who said that he believes everybody deserves a second chance, and that he didn’t want to be responsible for someone committing suicide or the like, due his refusal to be a friend to them.
I can relate to my friend’s views, as I have another older friend who I remain friends with for (mostly) her benefit, and thought about how these two people in my life aren’t all that dissimilar. It occurred to me that I was acting on my assimilation of past experiences with abuse, and not treating him equally well as I do others.
Part of me believes this is justified, but then I don’t want my past to rule my present decisions, and so I messaged him saying we could be friends as long as nothing like that ever happens again. He said he was sitting in his car on the side of the road, not knowing what to do with himself.
I told him that I would go visit him sometime later that night, and maybe have drinks with him while I was there. Although, I told him that I found his ‘house-sitting’ request (for the holiday he’s taking) too much of a commitment on me, as I didn’t know whether I could be there everyday, to look after his dogs, he still brought out a nice bottle of port for me to take with me.
I refused the bottle at first, but then remembered that I could drink it with my friend(s) – whose advice led me to be there – and in doing so would be repaying a bit of a drink to them. I used to shout them all the time when I could afford it, but I’ve felt a little down on myself lately for not bringing along something to drink when I’m there, and drinking their alcohol.
So, do I owe my friend two-fold for the advice on friendship with this man, and the alcohol, or should I have refused to have this man in my life at all? I’m overly concerned about the alcohol – as I know I’ll bring drinks back to my mates at some point. And I’m not merely asking whether a person always deserves a second chance, but whether the nature of his disregard for me is something I shouldn’t ignore/overlook.